Men at Night

When I envisioned writing this Blog I fully expected to stick to the plan of writing these entries in consecutive order following my path back to one year ago when I started dating. However, this is not how the creative flow is beckoning me. So, I am acknowledging to you my keenly observant reader that these entries are not in an any particular order other than the completion of one entry seems to initiate and inspire another much like one wave after another. I am trusting this rhythm.

I will do my best to offer you a time line and give you a sense of when these occurrence's took place within the past year.

Going back to the beginning on this one!

At the close of my relationship with said “Soul mate”. I was deeply in need of some play time and an escape from my New York City world.

Jewel and I took a trip to sunny Sarasota, Florida where my family has a house. This house is in a Senior Citizen Lot and one must really be 60 years of age or older to be there ....OK not the most ideal vacation but cheap and warm and sunny.

As we were driving around the neighborhood we discovered a restaurant that seemed to be the popular hang out spot. We took note and my girl Jewel who is a “Foodie” googled it out. This place popped right up! It is called “Yoder’s” and it is most popular for it’s homemade pies.

We discovered in our search of this restaurant that there was a VERY high population of Mennonite’s in Sarasota and this restaurant was part of the community.

We were curious, every time we drove past the place we commented on how we had to go there and check it out....Oh and we smelled bacon.

Not just any bacon but a house of bacon being burned! It was both delightful and disturbing the bacon osmosis that took place on this street in front of “Yoder’s”. If you smiled really wide while passing “Yoder’s” you could then be laying on the beach smelling bacon from your teeth...I kid you not.

So on one particular drive past “Baconland/Yoder’s”. Judy looked up from her map of where were going and asked “What is a Mennonite anyhow?”

“No idea!” I said.

Judy then suggested we take our inquiry to my mother since she has a house near Yodor’s and comes here twice a year.

So, I called my mother while driving (using a hands free device Oprah!) and asked. “You know that place ‘Yodor’s’? Well, we have been wondering every time we pass it....what is a Mennonite?”

There is a brief pause and I am aware at this point that my mother does not actually know the answer.

I know the signs when this particular incredibly rare moment arises with my mother. The moment is when my mother is at a loss for a “Fact Checked” answer. She is a well read, brilliant woman who knows mostly everything BUT when she does not know the answer she also has no ability to say, “I don’t know”.

She makes something up....in her world it makes perfect sense and as her dearly devoted daughter it always sounds good but I am sitting next to Jewel the eyes and ears of discernment, so things fare differently for us. After the pregnant pause of vulnerability my mother catches the momentum and shares “oh, Mennonite! Yes, of course they are vegetarian’s and farmers.”

“Really?” I reply with extreme caution and care. “Ok, Thanks! We will check it out and let you know.”

When I finished my conversation with my mom I turned to Jewel “She has no idea...she said they are vegetarian’s! I can swear by my time spent with ‘Fakin’ Bacon’ , that this is NOT what we are smelling!”

Jewel was diplomatic and almost ambivalent...”Ok, Google!” and she hit her IPhone for our fact check.

Mennonite...and Jewel began to read to me the facts from “Wikepedia” about our mysterious community.

The information flowed right over me the way driving and listening to a song on the radio occur’s. I took it in passively in the way I took in the palm trees and the rental car and my anticipation to get to this amazing beach we were navigating towards.

Then Jewel was speaking about the mating ritual within the Mennonite world and my ears perked up!

“A young woman in the Mennonite community when she is single

is considered Chaste until she is betrothed to another.”

I literally put my foot on the brake and stopped the car.

“I want to be chased!” I cried.

It took some time for Jewel to organize her words without laughing AT me and she is so incredibly gifted in this way.

“Chaste, as in chastity”...”Not your kind of Chased! But good to know!”

It is challenging for a woman who is independent, strong, knows who she likes and more importantly knows who she loves to allow herself to be chased.

Chances are most men are far more closed off in their heart’s and in their ability to be open and pursue the luster and truth that their heart’s convey.

I am willing to bet that most women know sooner than men whether or not the match holds promise and is worth pursuing.

However, and not much has changed from the Mennonite clan, women are NOT expected to pursue and men are not very consistently responsive when we do.

Hence...Men at Night...My own definition because I am an apple that fall's fairly close to home and I love creating my own play and interpretation on words and set ritual ways of thought.

Men At Night:

Men require a certain layer of darkness and intrigue that offer’s them the excite of pursuit.

They cannot know the outcome of their pursuit right off the bat this will delay them and charge the prickly layers of their skin to protect.

I remember....One night in Cape Cod when I chose to skinny dip late at night with friends. There was a path and there were flashlight’s but I wanted so much to see if I could navigate the path in the dark, bare footed, on my own. My desire was so pure to explore the unknown and witness every step of curiosity....it was exciting, challenging, and difficult to navigate especially when I stepped on a rock or some thorns tore at my calves. This offered me an odd sense of accomplishment that my effort and my struggle was taking me towards my eventual emancipation...jumping into the water.

Men love to be in the dark!

In a year of dating I felt the hot pursuit of many of these men and I caught a wave that I wanted to catch this wave was “to be chased”.

Even though I am a creature of light and as I said before I am anchored in my heart’s deepest desire to love... I recognized this pattern right away and I respected it.

I strived to maintain mystery and intrigue to make these guys walk blindly down the path through thorns and stones to find the water. Not an easy task! When you are used to being vulnerable, open and exuberant it is rather challenging to build a shroud of darkness around these qualities. It feels disingenuous and unfocused. My heart felt like a stallion in a stable being kept sweating and striving for a race. I am certain that stallion spoke it's truth despite my desire to keep it locked up and quiet....impossible!

Despite this fruitless struggle I met many men who have wooed and even chased me while the darkness of night surrounded the nature of my affections towards them. While it was unclear the level of my heart’s intrigue they were focused and to the point. Many of them veered on over-exuberance (like me!) but really it was simply a man in the dark fumbling and feeling for his security. I have learned to discern the difference.

One of the most extreme examples....and this is a rarity in my role of dating diva. For the most part I have been consistent and extremely clear and respectful. I was starting to date “Offline” a guy I was very much into and a guy “Online” wanted to meet me.

This is NOT me, my Stallion heart is very one focused but I try to fake it. So, I entertained the courtship. We agreed to meet on a Thursday night and then the guy I liked asked me out for Thursday night.

I broke plans with the dude I have never met and saw my guy....

I did this for three consecutive Thursday’s and assumed on the third he was a goner....I received a text message “I like that you are playing so hard to get! I really want to meet you now! I won’t give up on you!”

????????????

I was at a loss and decided to meet this guy and give him the appeasement he needed....LIGHTNESS in the dark of night.

We met for two drinks...NADA....BASTA....there was nothing.

The excitement for him was in the chase...for me it was an obligation to fulfill (Oh, and I was curious but I knew the guy had some issues!)

This is so typical and everyday for the “Online Dater". Some people get off on the thrill of being chased or chasing just like my late night grapple in the dark on Cape Cod, it’s a rush and that’s all it is! We dater’s that are driven from our heart’s need to be wary of this mechanism in ourselves and other’s. Know when you are choosing to walk in the night barefoot for the thrill of it and know when you want to turn on the light and see the truth of the matter splayed out before you.

In the darkness of night there are always stars and sometimes even planets, and on the greatest of occasion’s the Moon.

We can always see the light if we choose to look in the right direction be it Man or Wo-man.

Hence, Mennonite or Womanite we are linked in this mysterious game called "Love".

I still choose to see the light when it comes to dating but I will always choose the dark when I am skinny dipping on Cape Cod. It's a matter of choice my friend's and I hope you meet your mate under the moon with a light that shines brightly and unapologeticly, recognizing the promise in your true beauty!

Optimism and Calf Man

In the process of exploring “Online Dating” it is such a bottom feeder experience that whatever reservation’s you have about dating, “Oh, that’s not for me!” or “I will just never meet someone that way!” or “Ewwww!” or “Ack!”, these are no longer the morsel’s of food you crave, understand or even know how to digest.

Like a clam you absorb whatever nutrients you can get and you grow stronger, more vigorous and persistent as a barnacle stuck to something immensely weighty. That weight is your heart.

In order to date optimistically you have to be connected to your heart because my brain would have flutter kicked to the surface by now and like a dolphin joined my little fleet of friends playing in the surf. I combined the two you see!

You have the mirth of a dolphin and the stealthiness of a clam.

Despite all cynic belief that optimism is associated with some kind of namby pamby disconnect from reality....optimism takes endurance.

My optimism is anchored in my heart’s deepest desire to love.

Online dating forced me to shift and adapt the boundaries of my stubborn belief system stuck on a very set way love may or may not enter my realm of experience.

In an effort to familiarize myself more with “The Dude” I was watching the HBO show “Entourage” on DVD. I was loving it! Spending time with “the boys” and getting an inside look at some of the dynamic’s in the male world. I have little to go on I will admit. I grew up in a household of women. My father left when I was three and it was an immensely close and powerful female home I was raised in. My exposure to men has always been more limited when compared to the comfort and experience I have around women. So, I have been slowly attempting to remedy this and “Entourage” is only one of my many resources.

One of the shows that struck me in particular is when the character Johnny Drama (Kevin Dillon-Love him!) expresses his deepest insecurity....his calves are too skinny!

He decides to get calf implants and needs to borrow money from his brother to surgically enhance his calves.

All joking aside this raised my eyebrow to men’s secret body insecurities. I had never thought about men’s calves in any way shape or form.... I know women are insecure about “cankles” having calves and ankles that are joined. It seemed to me women have far more insecurities than men about all things regarding the physical but this episode oddly opened my eyes in a way I had not been looking at men previously.

The next day I was walking through Central Park. I took the Reservoir route which is one of my favorite’s in the early AM before tourist’s take over. It is expressly devout runner’s and jogger’s in the early AM and can still be quite serene.

This was about my 4 month mark into online dating and it was early Fall. The guy in front of me was still in shorts and the first thing I noticed....his calves!

Divine calves kissed from heaven above. He had strong and skinny ankles but his calves rose out of his slender Achilles with a determined ninja warrior promise that he was the "New York BRAVE HEART”. My first thought was “Johnny Drama is right! It matters and he covets this man’s calves!”

Oddly, I noticed nothing above the knee but I was in love!

He was finished with his run and was walking the same way as me....I was NOT following him.

But meandering behind him and watching his calves the whole freaking time.

He stopped at the light and started stretching and the cool, calm, adaptable New yorker in me kept walking. “Oh, well that was fun” I mused to myself not recognizing this as an even remote possibility.

I decided to go into Starbucks and grab some caffeine which is unusual for me at this point in my day but maybe I was feeling the heat of “Calf Man” and needed some kind of fix?

I get in line....It’s Starbucks, so it is a long and slow line.

I feel someone behind me and I look, it is Calf Man!

Oh, Serendipity! Yes! He is my guy!

The woman in front of me at this point chooses to throttle me from the ecstasy of my fantasy and bring me back to home base.

“I really want that blueberry muffin” she points to the muffin glistening with hard sugar and glowing with implied butter “ but I am too fat!”

She pauses and stares me up and down “What do you think is a healthier choice?”

I felt like Carrie in the 1976 movie by Stephan King getting pig’s blood splattered all over me in a moment of anticipated beauty and romance.

I rose to the occasion “well, the fruit cup may not be as delicious but you will feel lighter and more energized.” I said quite convincingly I think as I gestured to the withered fruit cup in relationship to the sparkly muffin.

The man came and took her order at this moment and she looked at me slyly as if to say “I found a way out and you suck!”

Her voice rose up more determinedly than ever “I will have the sausage, egg and cheese English muffin.”

I had no sense of defeat after all this wasn’t even my purpose!

Then I felt hot breath against my ear and Calf man was whispering in my ear!

“A much lighter choice!”

I love him!

I ordered my skim latte and heard calf man order a banana and skim latte....

I took my drink and swam to the surface to play with my dolphin friends.

I called Jewel and told her of the episode.

“Wait,” she said surmising the scene. “He whispered in your ear and you walked away?”

“Ummm, yes.” I replied.

“What don’t I like about this story?” she asked.

“Not, sure” I said as I slurped my latte defiantly/ knowingly.

“After all that....you walk away?”

My body sigh’s in agreement “Ok!” I cried. “what was I supposed to do?”

“Not that...” she said with her weighty way of making an impact.

She was right....how could I correct it? I was already walking away from the scene, I had made a choice.

I spent the day in turmoil over Calf Man. I had missed my opportunity to meet my guy in the elevator as my hapless romantic always dreamed possible.

I got home that evening and decided to place a personal ad....

I tell you, this is like recreational drugs....you start and you are just playing and then you delve deeper and deeper into a land that you never thought your passport could take you to.

My only exposure “Desperately Seeking Susan” I assumed this was a land of the lost where only dinosaur’s cavorted.

WRONG!

New Yorker’s are dreamy and hopeful and the “Missed Connection’s” section on Craigslist is proof of this truth.

I was appeased and I felt a kinship in that so many other’s were searching for their mate in this format.

For example: “You are a super cute guy with blond hair and wearing a red tank top, standing (or sitting?) at the front door of New York Public Library's Science, Industry and Business Library (188 Madison Avenue, at 34 St). I was walking through the front door and about to enter the library, then you smiled (I don't know it's to me or to the person behind me...) anyway, your smile was melting me. I looked at you before going into the library. Hope to connect. ‘

Tons of these entries daily! I am not the only coward and I am not the only optimist!

Hooray! I posted my ad for calf man, it read something like this:

“STARBUCKS 86TH AND COLUMBUS”

You ordered a banana and a skim latte and we laughed about the choice’s made by the woman in front of us seeking a lo-cal breakfast.

Your calves are impeccable and I would like to know you better.

Needless to say (although I had some replies) I have not met my Calf Man.

What is quite incredible about this story is the response from my dolphin fleet of friends!

My friend’s were all over it! Calf Man is your guy. My best friend Zoe said “ Go to central park again and be there when he is running.” She is a smart one....and I agreed but the moment had passed and as I said before momentum is key in this wave catching, playing game we call love. I do hold a special place in my heart for Calf Man and he could be out there, in fact I am certain he is and I hope he is happy and optimistic about his role in life not just his calves.

A PHISH SHOW

In the pursuit of love(I say this with lightness after a year of recognizing this particular pursuit yields many offerings and most of them are insightful and life enhancing NOT always leading to love) I found myself attending my very first "PHISH" show.

I went with a "friend" a guy I like very much and see potential for more with.....yet he is NOT available. Ok, so you might say "what has this girl learned after a year of dating if she is following an unavailable dude to a Phish show?" You would be right! However, he is a spoke in the wheel of my journey and momentum works in strange ways. The most under promising wave can drive you in to shore when caught at the right moment.

So, a chance to dive into the wave.....

This is a refined way of saying that my dating efforts have thankfully turned into something more and as I travel back you hopefully will witness some proof of this:)

PHISH is an amazing, brilliant assembly of talented musicians. Their music and their shows have become a "temple" for many people.

To simplify the matter for those of you readers unfamiliar this is a "Grateful Dead" type group for the younger, hipper, hippies with money.

I went with an Open heart and a genuine desire to hear and dance to music.

I come from a yoga background and I am a hippie at heart (to some degree) and more significantly I know how to adapt.

I left my "Coach" purse at the Hotel (and my ID accidentally) and donned a canvas tote with a blanket and $....

On route I am thinking of the people I know who might be at this show....(my decision to go was rather last minute)

I have two Phish Fan friends from NY and the odds of them being there....so I don't even bother.

We get there lay down our stuff and low and behold there are Kendra and Aaron out of 30,000 people 5 ft away from us.....

In yoga I call this Grace, in Phish I call this Luck....either way we are part of a flow and the magnet is working, I am blissed out and delighted to see them!

First Set....Amazing and fun...I am 1 beer into my night and the crowd....not so much! There is a lot of stuff happening that brings me back to walking the halls of Mount Sinai during my mother's hip replacement.....no idea what kind of life enhancing, pain relieving, intoxicating presence is being had by these individuals.

I am mostly sober but picking up on the crowds high....and wondering WTF?

There are alot of guys....mostly white and ones who NEVER dance out there in the real world.

But here in this magic PHISH land they groove! And boy do they GROOVE!

They have this robotic pulse and it works, I was mesmerized watching them almost like I was mesmerized watching Condolesa Rice speak....So much articulation and passion from a very ordinarily stiff person.

The intermission arrives and it is clear my companies stimulants are moving into high gear, I decide to take a walk. I ask Ronnie "if I go for a walk will it be possible to find you again?".

He looks at me from his statuesque Buddha seat and says with a slow drawl impossible to mimic "Sure.........How could you possibly miss me?"

I have no idea if he is joking or sincere. From where I sit the odds of my being able to find him in this crowd- 5-1 ratio male, white male, with tye die t-shirts male, with big heads of hair male, all dancing in this robotic Devo way male (Ronnie doesn't actually have that dance....his dance is less stiff and more rhythmic.) OK so the one guy who's dance is not robotic can I pick him out in a crowd of 30,000? I am willing to find out....I took the dive and left my secure patch of lawn to scope out greener pastures.

The Porto San

In the yoga world women outnumber men and at the yoga gatherings/workshops it is always distressing to have to pee.

You know you will miss half the session just waiting in line....

I was VERY excited when Ronnie told me that the Phish show would be 5-1 men over women mainly because I wanted the advantage on the peeing front.

So, the first thing I decide to do in my foray into the land of unknown Phishy possibilities is...Pee.

I find the lines....Wait! This can’t be right! Quelle Fucking Horrible! There are men in the porto potty lines and tiny smatterings of women, no advantage! In fact, a worst case scenario as far as I am concerned.

The men are timing the women and pressing them to go quickly.

Isn’t this a hippie event? Isn’t everybody high? How did the bathroom line get the aggressive drug?

When my turn comes I hear the guy behind me yell out my start time as if I am on a relay team....

He’s messing with the wrong hippie.

I had some text messages to send....and the porto san was such a perfect place to foster communication with the outside world:)

I heard mention outside of my sweet, ill smelling porto cave that perhaps there was a backdoor in my portopotty....I guess it was time to leave.

The Great Stairs

One of the most helpful piece’s of wisdom Ronnie gave me was to watch out for falling hippies. His tutorial came as we were ascending “The Great Stairs” on our way in to the concert.

This is a stairway that leads to the lawn area where the show is.

It is steep and severe. That was in daylight when most people were still in human form. But as the evening progressed and ingested, inhaled, imbibed substances began to expedite their way into the bloodstreams of the many gatherer’s and the sun was replaced by a sliver moon and stars “The Great Stairs” shape shifted as well...I came to the bottom of the stairs and the first thing I heard was “watch out for falling hippies!”.

I craned my gaze upward to surmise how true to form this nugget of intelligence was, my imagination and I am sure a bit of contact high allowed me to travel to the base camp at Mt. Everest. Cheap traveling, I know! I imagined the people climbing the stairs on their final ascent....summiting Mt Everest! I could feel the chill in the air and I was aware of the low oxygen level as I watched everyone struggle to lift one foot and then the other their blood so thin that each and every step is a miracle!

Witnessing the domino effect of one struggling stair climber who losses footing sway into a swarm of climbers who are barely able to stay upright holding onto the railing and the whole mass of bodies tumbling back down the stairs.

“Watch out for falling hippies!”

I am jerked back into reality thinking Mt. Everest is safer....why hasn’t the Comcast arena devised a system of pulleys and ropes so these people can be secured to something? Or a Sherpa! Oh my god, a Sherpa would be amazing right about now. I look around hoping magically my Sherpa will appear....

hmmmm, I decide against the stairs and begin to scale the side of the hill, grass is better than staircase and there no climbers here.

It’s like the Appalachian trail not so bad! Until, I come upon the Ferrel people that have used their genius to avoid the many pitfalls of the Porto Potties and chosen to urinate at a 45 degree angle on the hill. Nevertheless, I was able to avoid being peed on that took only the slightest bit of finesse...I could not have fared as well with the stairs.

Glenda The Good Phishy

When I returned to the scene my intuition was right. There was no possible way I was going to find Ronnie and his friends.

The crowd was up, they had moved and were still moving in a robotic sideways pulse that masked all remembrance of the way things were an hour ago, 20 minutes ago, 8 minutes ago....who knows how much time has passed in the land of Phish.

All I knew was I was a solo Phish fan (wanna be) here to do research and trying to find Ronnie and his friend’s was a fruitless endeavor that would only incite angst.

I chose to float rather than plumb rough matter..... I moved through the crowd and shook my hips when possible and did my best to imitate the robo dance when at a loss for hip shaking music.

That’s how I met her...my Glenda in the land of my own personal Oz. A blond Gypsy who was dressed very much in the “I dream of Genie “ getup. We managed to make eye contact in this cacophony and she crooned “You are very beautiful!”.

It caught me off guard because I felt a bit distracted, lost, sober, and I had the fog of the porto san, mountain climbers, and Ferrel pee’ers around me....

“Thanks!” I replied apologetically “I can’t find my friend’s.”
“Oh!” her face lit up assuredly “You can dance with us!” She proceeded to introduce me to her peep’s.

As we grooved to the ridiculously groove friendly music she turned to me and reached into her cleavage, “here, you want a hit of Red Molly?”

Now, as a native New Yorker I have learned that there are certain things NOT to be curious about. No matter how much you are dying to look you are better off not knowing.

The shadow’s can dart and bounce but never confront the shadow with eye contact or light....it’s just going to keep you up at night.

“Thank you so much!”, I smiled and gestured to my breasties as if I had my own Red Molly, “I am all set!” and with full understanding set in our dimples we smiled and danced some more. It was time to leave my Glenda and head out onto the yellow brick road of my night. I turned and said “I am going to try and find my friends it was so nice meeting you and dancing with you, thanks for everything!” She glowed back at me and her voice came out in a soprano swoon

"hey, just dance around in circles till you find your friends!”

Bye! I saw her disappear in a bubble of happiness and joy and I felt the bad witch looking over me in her crystal sending a daze of heavy fog and negativity my way.

I began to trip on a drug that our bodies unfortunately create this drug is called PMS.

I felt like a liability all of the sudden. I was unsafe and the lovely dancing Phish heads were also in danger from my pointy defensive elbows. I wanted to find Ronnie and yet I was miffed and agitated by the elephant in the room. Ronnie had no desire to find me. In all this time no text, no call, no search party, no Sherpa, no Ronnie...no one cared that I was flying solo in 30,000 people.

During the height of my healthiest relationship I do remember this one very clear lesson about men.

We could be in a crowded party he could be surrounded by a gang hanging on his every word and if I left the room his head would turn and he would take notice. The most touching recollection I have of this was a party on an island with all of his friends. He was deep in a competitive game of horseshoes with his friends from childhood and I dove into the Bay to go for a swim. Every time I came up for air I saw him looking, following, watching me making certain I was safe.

This is what a man does....when he’s your guy.

It was clear, and it was always clear Ronnie was NOT my guy.

Although I never would have scaled Mt. Everest, met Glenda, tortured Porto San Ogre’s, seen Kendra and Aaron if it weren’t for Ronnie. Despite the distance I had traveled I am convinced that I am that much closer!

A Year In Review....My Year of Optimistic dating in NY.

Well, it all began with an ending...as most things are wont to do in this great path we call "Life".

I was in a relationship with my "soul mate" so called after 15 years of friendship we tried and needless to say it ended....leaving me high with a new outlook on "the one", if it wasn't the guy I thought it was for 15 years....it really could be anyone and my eyes were wide and open and intoxicated with possibility and the fruit of a whole new outlook:

I WAS READY! My pursuit of love up until this moment was passive and dreamy relying on luck, intuition, astrological charts, my friends-friends, returning ex-boyfriends, returning ex-ex-boyfriends basically old patterns not working for me. Prompted by my best friend Jewel I decided to try something that NEVER had occurred to me....

ONLINE DATING

This was a big shift for my hapless romantic outlook. Love always felt like the thing that happens when you get in an elevator and your GUY is there and you ride purposefully 5 extra flights together just to get acquainted....

Love was not something you put a percentage around and meet calculatedly in order to mate?

I sssshhhed my romantic edge aside and took the plunge and I am an amazing diver....I commit when I find a wave and dive... I dive very deeply.

This blog is a homage to my dive into dating and I offer it from my heart that has crested many waves and plunged most likely more and had my face rubbed in the sand and pulled my bathing suit back together looked at the waves with persistence and admiration and dove again and again and again.....

I am writing this Blog backwards because everything is more powerful with hindsight.

My intention is to amuse, express and humbly enlighten the way someone who has just slipped on a wet floor turns and say's "Hey! Tread lightly"