Oh...he's married.

Richard,

What can I say, you left me breathless and restless.

Thanks.

You are really looking for a special relationship and I can't even call you a cad at the moment (entirely).

Our meeting for me was entirely frustrating at best but its making me think and feel which I consider a good thing...no a great thing!

Pardon me in advance for whatever unsolicited advice I have to offer you. I do believe you will. (And I am wholly willing to accept your tutelage if you are so inclined)

Your story:

The logistics: married 20 years, two daughters settled and doing well in their teens in NY, you survived cancer, and you have tasted the thrill of success and also the low of misfortune.( !!!!)

I appreciate your candor and your leveled intelligence. I have no idea at this point how sexy you are and this has to do with you becoming human and real for me and I could not even fathom seducing/ being seduced by you given your circumstances.

Anyone who does given the truth of your situation has no relationship to their core.

I don't think you can find solace in that kind of endeavor.

Your Hodgkin's disease 11 years ago was a wake up call I agree but I think you are not fully interpreting the call.

Right now you call it "breaking rules". Which sounds to me more stressful and covert than just "making rules". Whether that means investing and re-creating the love you have or re-investing that energy in a new way. As far as I see right now you are on HOLD.

Making ends meet. That's not boring (as you described it) that's a choice.

Who am I? I have never been married, had children, and I don't have the career you have chosen which sounds very risky and perhaps stressful.

However, I have a very successful business doing what I love. Throughout the years I have cultivated a deep respect for intimacy (perhaps because I spent so much of my time single).

And I am a female in every way. I worship the Goddess and it is she that has me writing you at this moment.

I was disappointed in myself at first for even meeting with you. After the fact, I think we do have a purpose in having met.

I think we couldn't be more different from one another and yet alike in the same vein.

Here is the reading from your Sun card:

"Everything will be sunny and bright. Love, friendships, and relationships of all kinds are highlighted. It is a time to emulate the suns active, creative ability to realize new works of art and love. Be a dynamic, inspiring and influential leader whose light shines for all to see. Show the world who you are and what you have done. Express yourself so that everyone you encounter can feel your warmth."

I don't expect you to hook me up with your friends/ acquaintances. You have a lot on your plate and I can work that part of my life out.

I don't want to be the core less person who meets with you in the dark to make ends meet either.

Give me a higher position to express myself in your company and I just may rise to the occasion.

Thanks for the drinks and more significantly thanks for your company.

Warmly,

Vera

PEPE LE PEW AND ME

I begin this entry by saying I am not the greatest authority on cartoons. There were very few cartoon characters that left a strong imprint on me while making my way through adolescence. I am not one who looks back with warm fuzzy feelings for Saturday morning cartoons. I remember “Soul Train” as my greatest Saturday morning inspiration.

So, I lead into this entry that references a cartoon character from 1945 because all you need is “one” folks when it comes to inspiration and he was my Icon from childhood in the cartoon world.

He is a skunk who strolls through Paris in the springtime looking for love, he can’t take “No” for an answer, and he is blissfully convinced that everyone is flirting with him.

He falls for one in particular, Penelope a sweet, demure, shy female. ONLY problem is Penelope is a CAT! She often finds herself accidentally with a white stripe down her back and is mistaken by Pepe as a potential sweetheart.

She talks very seldom and and has a shy personality until she falls in love.

Then she is unstoppable. She enjoys “The Chase”. Despite their differences they wind up together....

Looking back on some of my dating faux pas I have always thought that I have a bit of “Pepe” in me....

I may lack true skunk odor but I do believe my scent is one of someone who is seeking love from an authentic place and to some who are fine tuned to sniff out this odor because they are seeking the opposite it is far more potent than a mere skunk.

I will admit it has taken work to tame my “Inner Pepe”. Equally so it has taken work in choosing the object of my affection and not mistaking a cat with a white stripe for a refined Parisian skunk like me.

I recently met my match in the “Pepe” world and it has awakened me to the possibility that I also bear a bit of an inner “Penelope” as well.

David found me first. He lived in Stanford Connecticut, played tennis rigorously, had a five year old daughter, Jewish and divorced.

I have a soft spot for Jewish men so I canceled out all the other reservations I have about that last statement and went for it.

It had been a while since my last date so I went all out for this one (a bit out of practice).

I had my hair straightened....(white stripe for guy’s in NYC they love it! The equivalent of a paint stripe on your back to a skunk).

We met in a bar for a few drinks, we both had plans after.

One of the first things he said to me after our initial introductions were made was a response to my question “You live in Stanford and work in Stanford, just curious why you date women in NYC?”

He replied, “I would love to date local but it hasn’t worked out for me. See the ratio of men to women in NYC is so swayed in my favor how can I not take advantage? This is the reason a high quality, sexy woman like you is dating a loser like me.”

PEW!

The Penelope in me was awakened. I instantly retracted and became shy and hidden from sight. I could feel my inner power, my sexual exuberance, the inner light I have to lead, direct, call the shots go into hiding.

Like a creature in nature I sought camouflage and it worked just like a white stripe on my back...he loved it!

I played it out because I was curious and I thought seriously and I say this with a sense of inner turmoil to admit this truth. All this time I have been this Fox with shiny teeth out and this guy sees me and admires me for my shyness and vulnerability...maybe that’s better?

He kissed me at the end of the date and I felt ULTRA Penelope shirking underneath his “amour” all falseness and pretense but I went with it because nothing had worked before and this guy was crazy about me....so?

Hard to believe but we had four very unremarkable dates after this one. You can’t say I didn’t try! During these dates I discovered:

*He called his Ex-Girlfriend a dope

*He doesn’t read....at all

*He doesn’t vote

*He resents spending money on women

*He bites his fingernails

The list continues and I must say I obsessed about the reading one.

We were at the movies on our third date and a preview came on for the movie “Twilight” and I admitted to being into it and having read all the books. He concurred but said he saw the movies but that he doesn’t read.

This was a first for me. I will admit in a year of dating where I met someone who knows how to read and chooses not to?

I don’t consider myself a brainiac and in-fact I think David is quite smart.

I remember my Grandmother telling me that reading is a sign of character and just like “Pepe” that imprint lives in my heart and speaks to me.

I couldn’t get past it.

I might live in a city where the odds are in favor for any male chromosome to succeed. That doesn’t mean I have waited, I have been selective, I have refined my behavior and my outlook in order to make ends meet.

Warner brothers have no say here and this is not a Saturday morning cartoon.

This is my life and I have no desire to wake up to a being even one day out of my life who I am not aligned with just for the sake of saying I woke up next to someone.

Here is where cartoon and real world differ.

Whether it smells or it doesn’t smell. Whether the stripe is real or fake. If your heart isn’t in it and you say yes....your working for Warner Brothers and not yourself.

Cause Pepe and Penelope aint real MO-FO.

I want to say this is hard to say but it isn’t...my inner “Pepe” is screaming.

If a person is open enough with you to tell you right off the bat they are “Not the One” no matter how camouflaged the scent you must smell it, you must hear it , you must feel it. Pay the tab and be done. You can skip largely away just like “Pepe” and who knows who you might meet on the way home? In the meantime at least you are skipping largely and your heart is on fire with the taste of possibility and the ease of truth.

Rather than the choice of either pretending the white stripe on your back is real or that the scent of love and affection coming from you is an anomaly.

Let’s really meet our match’s folks....I have to believe and I have beared witness that it is in fact possibile..

MY HIP HOP SUMMER LOVER

There is a certain amount of luck mixed with an equal combination of inner wisdom that keeps most of us safe in the world. We see the wet floor ahead of us and we take note that our steps should be more alert and aware. We navigate the twists and turns in our life sometimes quite accurately based on experience and foresight. Then there are those days we have no idea what pitfalls lay ahead and no matter how prepared we are the fall was meant to happen in order to wake us up, shake us up, or just plain misfortune bestowing it’s balanced hand on our shoulders. Sometimes I have slipped and literally felt as if some spirit hand was behind me giving me a push as if to say “wake up girl! Pay attention!”

Equally so, and I am grateful to say more than the latter I am about to slip and the hand I call providence reaches out and roots me to the ground I am on leaving me more steady and secure than I was to begin with.

I have a healthy sense when it comes to nature. I can hike by myself alone in the woods for hours and I can sense another person on the trail long before I encounter them. My senses are fine tuned in the woods or in the ocean and most definitely when my students are around me kicking up into handstand. I have never worried that I may not be able to keep myself safe from harm in most instances.

I dove into online dating with the same bravado and confidence.

As I have said before I have made wise decisions that got me nowhere and foolish choices that brought me boons so when I contemplate my particular set of “Dating Rules” I am still a bit on the fence with regards to any hard pressed bullet points on what or who to avoid. Except to say that I have managed to keep myself out of harms way while meeting complete and total strangers in a plethora of circumstances that outweigh the norm for online dating expectations. I consider this fortunate and not entirely my own devices at play. I believe I get a great deal of support energetically from my spiritual practice and of course my Dolphin fleet of friends and that is my default when I don’t always behave in accordance with my intelligence.

Big Matty Kaine was his name online. His moniker so to speak. I have a soft spot for the young guys and he was young, way too young for me to even be talking to online but I loved that he was a white boy with a hip-hop nickname cause I am a white girl called “Moflygirl” since Junior High. In this way he and I were linked and are tied for eternity. He was a native New Yorker grew up on the upper west side and went to private school’s. We started harmlessly writing to each other over the course of a couple months. I don’t think either of us expected to pursue it. Then he would instant message me when I was online and we started chatting in this way.

He was always rather depressed. An unemployed male nurse who seemed like a lost soul out there in the world. We started to form a kind of friendship.

It’s refreshing when you go online and there all these total strangers and then someone checks in with you and asks how your day is going. I think we both enjoyed the familiarity.

This was back in my sexy summer of dating when I spent a lot of time online and a lot more time dating!

I was online one Sunday night at around 11PM. He and I got to chatting. He reminded me of Eor from “Winnie The Pooh”. He was good natured at heart but if you asked you got a stream of steady current woes. For example, I would ask “How was your date the other night? You cooked dinner for that girl you were crushing on, right?”

He would then launch into the evening and how none of the food came out right and how he was nervous and she was ambivalent and the whole thing was awkward and a mess. “Do you think I should call her?”

I spent a fair amount of time coaching him which I will admit I enjoyed and it wasn’t a one way street either. On those rare off days of mine I would express either I felt down that a date didn’t call me back or something didn’t work out the way I planned and he would always say “I just don’t understand you are so damn beautiful!”

Good therapy!

So, here we are on a rainy Sunday night on instant message and I am feeling impulsive and like a small five year old who just is not getting what she wants when she wants it.

He is complaining (Surprise! My sweet Eor) that he was at the Jersey shore all weekend and didn’t meet a single girl in the height of summer! He is a rather shy guy.

So, I say “Come into the city and meet me.”

Even as I write this over a year later I have to smile, laugh and put my face in my hands.

You can’t take the “Dog-Licker” out of the girl. I have been an impulsive tornado towards love since the day I was born and unless I am mummified or unable to speak my heart will always move faster than my brain.

I am rare with empty offers as a rule but sometimes I unconsciously surmise a situation and with full knowledge that the other person will turn me down I am safe to make an offer which I am not entirely prepared to fulfill.

Big Matty Kaine shocked the smug out of me on this rainy Sunday and said “OK”.

He agreed to drive from the Jersey shore about an hour and a half to meet with me at 1AM.

We got offline and I instantly called Jewel who was out on the west coast visiting relatives. I told her the plan we hatched. I am convinced that if I were on a rooftop preparing to jump Jewel my beloved Best Friend would not try and talk me down she would max out all 20 of her credit cards and rent a giant trampoline for me to jump into.

She takes my impulses seriously...she may be the only one who does.

“You seriously want to do this?” she asked.

“Yes! The guy is already in his car. He’s driving to meet me from New Jersey”.

I think this felt valiant and knightly to me. It cushioned all the blows from guy’s who used rain, work, laundry, cleansing, sheer unadulterated ambivalence to blow me off on numerous occasions. The fact that someone would drive from New Jersey in the rain in the middle of the night? His stature went from Eor to King Arthur in a nano second!

Jewel requested I meet him at her apartment if I intended to go ahead with my plan.

Her logic was that she had a doorman and I could go downstairs and size him up in the presence of another before actually being alone with him in the middle of the night and I was to text her instantly and let her know how things were going.

We agreed on this plan and I got off the phone gave BMK the new address and took a cab to Gramercy.

Upon his arrival I went downstairs to retrieve him.

He was a tall Doogie Houser, lanky, baby faced, and stoned out of his gourd.

The doorman looked at me and then looked at him and the song by Simon and Garfunkal “Mrs. Robinson” should have been playing on high volume. You don’t need wrinkles to be older.

All I needed in this case was a high level of confidence, exuberance, combined with sexual awareness and savvy and it looked as if poor BMK was the one who was terrified by the lioness who might rip him to shreds.

I took him upstairs. He was shaking....he was so nervous! I texted Jewel “Nothing to worry about here!” He took out his phone “Oh, you text messaged me.”

Whoops!

I felt like I should offer him Nutter Butter’s with whole milk and cut his hair.

We sat on the couch and talked for an hour about nonsense.

Then he left.

What can I say? He is one of the many gems I wear on my necklace of online dating.

I adore him! I had to make at least one stupid impulsive move during this enterprise and he was my gift from above all sweetness and shyness and highness.

He is my Royal Hip Hop Lover and I do believe we will meet in another life as equal’s and have a steamy hot passionate connection.

It is with the highest of intention that I wish him the valor and the sweetness of his hearts inner nature so that he may grow to become the Prince of abundance.

Big Matty Kaine is salt of the earth good man material.

I am so glad I met him.

Instinct, Reflection and Remembrance 9/11

When the attacks on September 11th happened I was living in Cape Cod at the time.

Preparing for a move back to New York City in October. I was struggling for work, my relationship at the time was over and I was planning on starting a year long Teacher Training to become a yoga teacher.

I was teaching Yoga already but also several other modalities in order to make a living in that very challenging economy. I was something of a Richard Simmon’s with alot of enthusiasm and a lifetime of being “Physically Active” but very few credentials to train or teach. The Cape did not seem to mind my lack of experience and I managed to eek out some jobs teaching Tap Dance, yoga, Drama, Personal training, aerobic’s, you name it, I taught it!

On the morning of 9/11 I woke up at 5:30AM and taught a “Stretch and Strengthen” class to senior citizen’s at 7AM. I played song’s from “Rent” the Broadway musical and made them laugh while moving very simply and working with very light weights....they enjoyed my light-heartedness and that meant something to me.

I enjoyed their steadfastness, every morning without fail they were always there.

At the close of the class I always felt a strange uselessness in that it was 8AM and I had no other work to do. The whole day stretched before me, people were just getting up for work and I was done. So, as soon as the class was over I would run away into the woods and be alone....

I had a secreted pond way out in the woods on the border of Orleans and Brewster (two neighboring towns at the elbow point of The Cape).

I would leave my car parked on the road and hike to the pond, leave my stuff and spend the whole morning swimming and exploring the woods.

This is how I spent the day on September 11, 2001.

Alone in the woods, swimming, walking, meandering through the trails looking out for poison ivy, keeping watch for ferns and mushrooms, listening, smelling, looking in the way you can only do when you are by yourself in nature.

I had exhausted myself completely by the afternoon and I was lying on the tiny little scratch of beach belonging to the pond reading, when a very ancient man walked onto the beach (the only person I had seen all day since my octogenarian class at 7AM...welcome to the Cape folks!)

He greeted me and asked how my day was going. I of course was effusive with my response. “The temperature of the water is perfect! and such a gorgeous day! It’s day’s like this on the Cape that make me question my decision to move back to New York”.

We started talking about the city he told me his Granddaughter was there at Columbia University. I told him it was my native city but I had been coming to the cape all my life.

After a while he said “I guess you haven’t heard the news?”

“What news?” I asked.

The man was gentle, he was mellow, he was weathered and wrinkled by the sun.

He had a New England accent from the Catherine Hepburn era no Boston suburb stuff for him.

“Well, the Trade center is gone, millions of people have died.”

I remember my body language so clearly (I feel guilty about it).

I had been sitting there in my suit on my blanket with my book completely relaxed and it was as if a freezing cold chill descended upon us.

Shutting my book, covering up my body instantly I was certain this man was insane.

What do you do when an insane person is talking to you in the woods and no one knows you are there and you do not have a cell phone?

I am a New Yorker....you listen, you watch, you wait.

I did not feel threatened by him, I just felt certain he was crazy and I wanted to get the heck out of there.

All the stuff he had said about his duck hunting lodge and his wife started to spiral for me into a weird Alfred Hitchcock movie. I imagined her dead for many years and his lodge a cavern of flies and dust, ancient memories being kept alive by imagination and solitude.

I realized being alone isn’t always such a great asset. Sometimes our aloneness causes our demise. I wanted to return to society with such a vehemence! I just had to do it carefully so as not to offend “Crazy man”.

“What time is it?” I asked

“Around 3” he replied.

He probably thought I was crazy!

“Well, I really should get going then.” I said as I organized my things.

“Good Luck to you and your family” he said “I hope all your people are alright”

Yikes!

I hauled ass to my car as soon as I could get out of there. My heart pounding, the hair on my neck standing, the flesh on my arms burning.

Talking to myself the whole way....who’s crazy here?

“Oh, my god! I can’t believe it....why would anybody! Jesus what’s wrong with him?”

I was really unnerved and angry all of the sudden.

Who is he to come onto “My beach” and Fuck up my day?

By the time I got to my car I had settled down and was planning on writing it off as another bizarre Cape Cod story when....

After all these years I wish he WAS just a crazy man.

Instinct’s are funny that way. Looking back I struggle with how disconnected I was from everything that was happening. How could I have no idea? How could I swim and hike and be merry while my city was in turmoil, while the world was grieving and terrified?

All I wanted when I left New York was to get away from the place and all I wanted the moment I realized the truth of this tragic day was to return.

This is the nature of tragedy it shifts us, it changes our perspective, it sends us running in the opposite direction from which we thought we were heading.

I believe this is where I very pointedly changed my view on life. I valued being single, having my independence, living freely so to speak. My biggest fear was reflected back to me on this day and it had nothing to do with terrorism based on where I was at the time and how I chose to spend my day.

Sometimes our choice to be alone out of safety, passivity, courageousness can limit our heart's ability to navigate the twists and turns that lie ahead and cloud our judgement. After this day, I prefer to be in union and harmony with another.

To have a truthful mirror to call me back from my escapist surroundings and remind me when I am lost.

I went back with flowers and visited my so called "Crazy man". I met his wife and his Grandaughter who had managed to get out of the city. I told them my story and in the kindest way possible I shared with them my dissconnect and how I had no idea that their very sane Family Matriarch was speaking the truth to me on that day.

I love being alone and I cherish my time by myself in nature but I recognize that I am always seeking, searching, diving into the essence of another and this flame was lit on this day spent in solitude when I projected my worst fear onto another.

Detachment, aloneness, solitude, in good measure can be healthy but sometimes like anything in excess we go a bit beyond our spiritual connection to humanity and become mad like weeds, moss, or stone we grow and harden beyond the reach of any human touch past the point of our intention.

Yoga means Union and I seek to unify in every possible exploration of the word and I found that gift on this day.

So many prayers of blessings and love to those that lost their loved ones and those that never had loved ones and were lost.

I remember this day....

All In the Timing

What I really want to know is...Can an Island betray you?

Here I am, back on Cape Cod a place where I grew up. A place that has fostered all of my vision’s and inspiration’s for spirit and nature. The first place I ever taught yoga, did a back-dive, went clamming, worked on a scallop boat, acted professionally, and fell in love with the man who came from here...my “so-called soul-mate”.

I had a dream and we were here together and so much about this place became about “us”. We met on this Island and we shared so much of it together and yet it was his birthplace and he was the “Prom King” when we made our rounds. Everyone shared a fondness for him and wanted his attention. It bring’s to mind Lisa loeb’s song “Sandalwood”. The lyric’s that get me are “I’m trying to keep cool, but everyone like’s you.” This is how I always felt upon entering the Cape with him. Sure, I have my “peep’s” and people love me here...but there was no comparison to “Prom-King” stature. Don’t get me wrong I am not competitive in this way but I longed for his attention and his company and whenever we were here it was spliced ten-fold.

That said, a year and half after the relationship I return to this Island without this partnership. However, I carry the full weight of knowledge that he was here when he made his crucial voyage out of my port and chose to take his cruise ship into new territory.

Basically, he was on the cape when he made the decision to no longer be present in our relationship.....that’s really all you need to know and that’s really all I know to share with you, regarding his decision.

So, a year and a half later I return to this Island I consider my homeland, my touchstone, my spiritual birthplace and for the first time ever, I feel threatened.

There is a beautiful quote by Marianne Williamson, “You are what you defend against.” So who who knows which came first here the chicken or the egg. I am certain my defensiveness did not assist my Cape Cod return in any way, in fact I know this to be the first time ever I felt I was in unwelcome territory on Cape Cod.

The night I arrive, there is an electrical/lighting storm and the cottage I am in shakes and throbs and light’s up and dead tree limbs fall all over the roof of the house and wind shakes and throttles the small place. The tiny cottage light’s up and then quiver’s with the force of nature (normally very exciting!) This unnerves me oddly...I am a lover of nature and storms included but I feel attacked and unwelcome. My cottage suddenly has a very “Shining” unappeal and I cannot rest amidst this brutal storm. I toss and turn and fixate on axe murder’ers and houses caught in a blaze from lightening and I marinate in all of my poor decison’s made here on Cape Cod.

Great night for rest and relaxation.

The next day, there is this heavy cloud of humidity and smelly thickness in the air.

I go for a run and so much of it hit’s me with a clarity and certainty.

I no longer trust Cape Cod! Because his heart was moved to leave me and it happened here! The Island has betrayed me and it lurks in the coyote’s howl, in the dense humidity, in the thick brown body of the spider in the bathroom of my cottage...the Island is telling me to leave.

My underlying persistance keeps me present despite the trying turmoil.

I take my Godaughter’s to the ocean I am dying for a break from the humidity and I am certain the ocean will offer it. Yet, I carry the knowledge of “Great White” sightings on the cape...several! So I carry a watchful eye as I dive into the waves (frigid and intense).

My Godaughter’s watch and wait turned off by the cold and the drama of the ocean. No one else is in the water at our beach.

Eventually, they follow me and have an earnestness to stay in the Icy water way longer than me. I stand “Lifegaurd” watching the horizon for any sign of shark...Ready to pummel, hit on the nose, curse out, take down, you name it I will protect.

The worst in store for my sweet girls was a bit of wave intensity in that they both got taken out by waves and rolled and surprised and came out coughing and heart’s palpating.

I wrapped them in my towel and encouraged their bravery....what more can you do?

One is fourteen and the other thirteen, they are on the brink of understanding the kind of turmoil their heart’s will experiance. They already understand loss to some degree, their father has passed and yet I think they will be processing this for a lifetime I do believe it has aged them beyond their mean’s.

Do they understand love?

The wave’s have pummeled them both at seperate interval’s and yet they both want to go back in after they have resumed their normal breathing pattern’s, found the spots where the rocks have scraped them, figured out what happened.

One was in the thick of the wave, right in the middle, I watched it take her up and thought she was too much in the center, the other was in front and had cleared the nasty roll of the wave. I saw her limbs as the wave took height, her tall figure lifted up and carried by the wave and I thought to myself “she is too much in the center....”

Like a gymnastic’s coach knows they are off by a hair or a centimeter. The wave lifted her up and shook her down...she was fine. The other has a discomforting habit of turning her back to the waves which makes me an annoying person on the shore,

“TURN AROUND!”, “DIVE’, “STOP LOOKING AT ME!”

Her wave took her at the worst possible place in the rotation. Her back was turned, she was looking at me, the wave had already begun to curl and it grabbed her and threw her into the mix like the smallest minnow of the pack losing it’s school...or “cool” in our terms. She came out of the water terrified, choking and trying to breathe.

I wrapped her in my damp towell and held her.

That was me....in my relationship.

My back was turned when he made up his mind. That’s the worst kind of blow you can suffer. It makes your arms cross around your midriff when you contemplate another dive.

Fortunately for me I only recognize this source of pain when I visit this Island....I am immune to it elsewhere.

I can handle a moment or two in this nasty surf figuring out how to land my feet, how to swaddle my emotion’s, how to make peace with nature who never meant to harm me.

It was all in the timing and I met the wave at precisly the wrong moment.

I get it now...thanks to the Cape and my constant guides who follow me here.

This place will always be my touchstone.

ONLINE...TOO MUCH WINE!

If last summer was the height of my impulsive, “70”’s, face-licking, free spirit and fall was the height of my optimistic, soul searching, believer in all thing’s romance related;

Winter began my phase of ambivalence with dating, romance and all things connected to online pursuit of love.

In hindsight this seems like a natural rhythm anyone might have with a passion they are pursuing. We start out with a certain beginner’s luck so to speak. Our complete and total naiveté makes us open and wide-eyed this is a very magnetic influence and I must say a majority of my dates took place during this period.

Then as we learn the ropes and experience makes us wise we create intention around our action’s and our taste bud's tingle with the thrill of knowing and knowing more!

It is only fair to expect that at every point in a stage wave’s peak and this is exhilarating to say the least and waves also have low’s this can be a time for insight and reflection or sometimes a cause for paralysis based on the lack of momentum and the shift in energy.

I had reached a point of entitlement and boredom by January. I made it through the holiday’s as a single girl dating and seeing men. I had managed to have a great time and avoid the “holiday woes” most singles succumb to. I threw a holiday party and I honored the ties of my friendship’s. I was incredibly pleased with myself entering the New Year.....

Little did I know around the corner lurked a devilish little elf of emotion waiting to embody me.

When the holiday’s passed and I was spinning in the delight that I had not actually been undone by them I failed to notice the transformation in my attitude around dating.

I felt entitled...and I was bored....and I was tired.

Let me break these bad boy’s down a bit.

As a native New Yorker I understand entitlement and the traps that come with it well.

Similar to some of the religious practice’s out there entitlement is based upon suffering.

I know many native’s of New York who feel that a golden key should be placed in their palms with any apartment of their choice in Manhattan at their disposal simply because we grew up here in this ridiculous city where our High School’s had security guards and our playgrounds had abandoned drug paraphernalia.

We may feel this way but the truth is we know at our core that in some way this was our path and it has made us who we are today.

This does not change the ugly truth that when we feel entitled to something we are the farthest from achieving it because the feeling that you deserve an outcome acts as a block to your heart, it becomes the obstacle.

This winter I had assessed my efforts at dating and I believed that I was done....

The universe owed me my man simple as that!

Another word for entitlement is “Black Hole” nothing happens in this phase I have learned.

Hence, bored as my second predicament this winter. My mother always said and this may seem cruel but it was so true, “When you are bored, you are boring.”

If I am wallowing in the belief I deserve my relationship dropped in my lap because I have spent an allotted amount of time committed to it and the process is taking longer than I thought and this is all I have to offer a given situation?

Boring! I tend to agree with my sometimes too truthful mother on this.

All of this leads one to the state of TIRED...

Two sometimes four dates a week, plus my job, and my regular practice left me little room to play with my friends and do the things I love on my off time because on my off time I was getting dressed up, meeting strangers, e-mailing...

My friend Gary said to me “I have never heard of a fairy-tale where the princess meets her prince because she is tired.”

UGH!

In Yoga we talk about Attitude being everything and it is! On occasion I will have a student leave class in the middle or come into class late and I don’t take it personally. This person is in their process and who knows what is going on in their head, in their heart, I can’t comprehend to take that on and the fact that they made it to class or had the self-love to walk away...it’s not my job to decipher this material.

Just because we are in a negative space does not necessarily mean we aren’t listening and more importantly shifting from this vortex of darkness to a place that invites light.

Last winter my attitude about dating was one of entitlement, boredom and fatigue....

Every-time I went online I saw the same faces, I reached the same conclusion’s, I met with the same obstacles. So, like any intelligent human does in a time of darkness I started drinking and going online as my practice...

Wine does alot to alter attitude! That said, wine is not helpful when it comes to discernment and truth...I stopped reading profiles and I stopped looking.

I replied only to those that would write me and I did very little to assess the candidate.

My basic requirement was: is he cute and is he under 40....

Under 40 is good but cute to a woman drinking wine online?

Negotiable....

Still, I do believe despite my poor attitude and my inebriated tactic’s I still managed to navigate my path towards love.

Vimarsha is a sanskrit word meaning reflection and it is of the highest kind. Intimacy is the purest practice of Vimarsha because we see in each-other ourselves.

At times this is emancipating and liberating and at time’s as with all things High and low as I discussed in the beginning we see in this reflection that which we do not wish to ever see! As yogi’s we know this to be a mirror that has brought up painful territory and has very little to do with the one reflecting.

During this period of dating I had my most painful reflection and it shifted me gratefully to where I am now.

Henry wrote me and expressed his interest in me during my winter of dating malaise.

I perused his profile (wordy and lengthy unlike most) which means I looked at his picture cute and more than one and he smiled in one, I surmised his age 35, and I made certain he was employed and lived close to NYC.

Done! I wrote him back...he instantly asked me for a drink and this raised my suspicion.

Dating in NYC is a game of timing and investment it is rare to meet under these circumstances. So I looked closer without my wine induced haze at his lengthy profile.

I did this after agreeing to meet him for a drink.

He met my requirement’s during the day! He was funny, smart, verbal, and sensitive.

He told stories and one of his many interest’s was writing! As I came to the bottom of his profile I found my reflection waiting like a surprise messenger in the wings “Exit pursued by bear” always a possibility with Shakespeare and boy did that man have a brilliant grip on life.

At the end of his profile Henry boldly announces his tragedy. He is missing a leg. He does this with a vulnerability and an amazing inner source of confidence in his writing style. It is my wish to honor him and not quote his profile but it was incredible his bravery and skill to put it out there on a dating site where most people confuse boldness with sexual prowess and skill.

I was blinded and disarmed by this discovery. I couldn’t fathom it and I had very little self- awareness at the time to process it.

I wanted out! I called my friend Mindy and told her the deal. She is a tried and true native of New York. We grew up together and now she lives in SanFransisico and after many years of her own “Dating” journey she is now married and incredibly fulfilled.

She is one of my many “Dolphin Friend’s” who would like to see me happily mated and does everything she can to positively skate me through this period.

“I agreed to meet him for a drink and now I just found out he is missing a leg!”

Mindy is an Iron-man champion and she has been around athlete's of all shapes and sizes including those that partake in these events with handicap’s.

I must say I have very little exposure in this forum and it shows in my complete lack of composure and grace.

After hearing me out Mindy says “Look, this is the least of your worries you have to meet him! There are fetish’s out there for amputee’s! Some people would kill to be in your shoes. In fact there are magazine’s all about people missing limb’s more popular than “Playboy”. My friend Rachel has a fantasy about a guy who is missing a leg. It’s sexy!” Here she sold me “I would much rather date a guy with one leg, than a smoker.”

That made sense to me....I kept the date and I braced myself because really all my fear and hesitancy was a “Vimarsha”. A reflection back to me of my own personal handicap’s and limitation’s.

I picked the bar on the lower east side and I was there first, early. Instantly I recognized my mistake. The place was crowded and full and there wasn’t a seat in the house. I was nervous! My protective instincts were on high gear and I knew this place was wrong. This throttled me awake from my dazed winter slumber.

When a person is ambivalent they lack emotional connection and care....there is very little at stake and very little meaning.

Henry’s predicament had me on high alert and I wanted to protect him as most women have a natural instinct to do.

I waited for him on the street. I expected he would have a prosthetic leg and possibly a cane? He had no leg and two crutches....my heart went out to him and yet I wanted to behave “normally”....what? Nothing about this was “normal”.

I told him the bar was full and we should go across the street. We found two seats at the bar across the street and proceeded to have a pleasant “normal” conversation between two people who have just met...

When sitting it was easy to feel we were on mutual ground. I used to have a boyfriend who was 6’3” and I am 5’4” mind you. Whenever were out walking, dancing, meeting for a kiss it felt like alien’s attempting to interact. We soon loved our time together sitting or laying down because our entire reflection of each-other was even.

Henry and I had the same level of interaction here on our date. Two people sitting at the bar! Then he told me his story...it was inevitable.

He lost his leg in college while rushing a fraternity. He was on a scavenger hunt in the building’s of his University and one of the classroom’s was undergoing construction. A giant piece of Plywood fell on him across his lap...he waited 13 hours for someone to find him. Not your average first date conversation but...amazing and engaging and real.

His ability to share, my ability to listen and be empathetic this made for an intense first date exposure. Most first dates are laden with a certain superficial dance of hidden agenda and flirtation. This one was raw, exposed and steeped in confrontation which was exactly what I needed at the time.

I saw him and I saw me being seen by him and seeing myself seeing him....

Vimarsha!

Henry lost his leg in College when he was 19 years old and his life was full of promise and possibility. When we met he was 35 years old and spent almost the same amount of time on this earth without a leg full of promise and possibility from a new perspective.

His ability to go online and to share his story his amazing bravery inspired me and it drew me out of my own personal comfort zone.

I told him the story of my own handicap. I lost my best friend when I was seven. For me this was not equivalent to losing a leg...I can’t comprehend that loss.

What I can comprehend is the life that has changed as a result of this traumatic event and the way a spirit, a soul, a human being is shaped with this painful loss in our bloodstream, in our heart-stream, in our every endeavor.

This date brought to surface a great deal of sadness for me. I went home and cried.

I tried to establish who I was crying for, but it was unclear.

I was crying for Henry, I was crying for myself, I was crying for my lost best friend who like a limb was taken from me and I always feel the painful ache even when no one can see it.

The people we meet have a past and our lives are full of gain and abundance but equally so full of loss and departure. It may not be as visible as a missing limb but truth be told we are all in a state of longing for something, someone, at this stage in our lives we have experienced loss to some degree and this takes it’s toll on us.

Some of us reply by burying this loss and navigating life as a tool to avoid this innate scar on our psyche. Some of us choose to look, to live, to share and carry this loss as one of the many experience's life has offered. In Henry’s case his loss is evident to all and he has grown accustomed to explaining it, to living with it, to making his mark on this earth in the best way he knows how.

We never met again after this date and we never spoke again either.

I think it was a mutual agreement that we needed to meet for our single purpose’s but that our togetherness was not in the cards.

I am so full of gratitude for our meeting because I learned my heart is compassionate even when I am down and I bear a loss from my past that I must honor and recognize when I am safe and comfortable enough to share.

It was a sobering encounter that brought me closer to my own Vimarsha and helped me to distinguish how and when I wished to share this reflection with other’s.

I am so grateful to have the choice....