In the process of exploring “Online Dating” it is such a bottom feeder experience that whatever reservation’s you have about dating, “Oh, that’s not for me!” or “I will just never meet someone that way!” or “Ewwww!” or “Ack!”, these are no longer the morsel’s of food you crave, understand or even know how to digest.
Like a clam you absorb whatever nutrients you can get and you grow stronger, more vigorous and persistent as a barnacle stuck to something immensely weighty. That weight is your heart.
In order to date optimistically you have to be connected to your heart because my brain would have flutter kicked to the surface by now and like a dolphin joined my little fleet of friends playing in the surf. I combined the two you see!
You have the mirth of a dolphin and the stealthiness of a clam.
Despite all cynic belief that optimism is associated with some kind of namby pamby disconnect from reality....optimism takes endurance.
My optimism is anchored in my heart’s deepest desire to love.
Online dating forced me to shift and adapt the boundaries of my stubborn belief system stuck on a very set way love may or may not enter my realm of experience.
In an effort to familiarize myself more with “The Dude” I was watching the HBO show “Entourage” on DVD. I was loving it! Spending time with “the boys” and getting an inside look at some of the dynamic’s in the male world. I have little to go on I will admit. I grew up in a household of women. My father left when I was three and it was an immensely close and powerful female home I was raised in. My exposure to men has always been more limited when compared to the comfort and experience I have around women. So, I have been slowly attempting to remedy this and “Entourage” is only one of my many resources.
One of the shows that struck me in particular is when the character Johnny Drama (Kevin Dillon-Love him!) expresses his deepest insecurity....his calves are too skinny!
He decides to get calf implants and needs to borrow money from his brother to surgically enhance his calves.
All joking aside this raised my eyebrow to men’s secret body insecurities. I had never thought about men’s calves in any way shape or form.... I know women are insecure about “cankles” having calves and ankles that are joined. It seemed to me women have far more insecurities than men about all things regarding the physical but this episode oddly opened my eyes in a way I had not been looking at men previously.
The next day I was walking through Central Park. I took the Reservoir route which is one of my favorite’s in the early AM before tourist’s take over. It is expressly devout runner’s and jogger’s in the early AM and can still be quite serene.
This was about my 4 month mark into online dating and it was early Fall. The guy in front of me was still in shorts and the first thing I noticed....his calves!
Divine calves kissed from heaven above. He had strong and skinny ankles but his calves rose out of his slender Achilles with a determined ninja warrior promise that he was the "New York BRAVE HEART”. My first thought was “Johnny Drama is right! It matters and he covets this man’s calves!”
Oddly, I noticed nothing above the knee but I was in love!
He was finished with his run and was walking the same way as me....I was NOT following him.
But meandering behind him and watching his calves the whole freaking time.
He stopped at the light and started stretching and the cool, calm, adaptable New yorker in me kept walking. “Oh, well that was fun” I mused to myself not recognizing this as an even remote possibility.
I decided to go into Starbucks and grab some caffeine which is unusual for me at this point in my day but maybe I was feeling the heat of “Calf Man” and needed some kind of fix?
I get in line....It’s Starbucks, so it is a long and slow line.
I feel someone behind me and I look, it is Calf Man!
Oh, Serendipity! Yes! He is my guy!
The woman in front of me at this point chooses to throttle me from the ecstasy of my fantasy and bring me back to home base.
“I really want that blueberry muffin” she points to the muffin glistening with hard sugar and glowing with implied butter “ but I am too fat!”
She pauses and stares me up and down “What do you think is a healthier choice?”
I felt like Carrie in the 1976 movie by Stephan King getting pig’s blood splattered all over me in a moment of anticipated beauty and romance.
I rose to the occasion “well, the fruit cup may not be as delicious but you will feel lighter and more energized.” I said quite convincingly I think as I gestured to the withered fruit cup in relationship to the sparkly muffin.
The man came and took her order at this moment and she looked at me slyly as if to say “I found a way out and you suck!”
Her voice rose up more determinedly than ever “I will have the sausage, egg and cheese English muffin.”
I had no sense of defeat after all this wasn’t even my purpose!
Then I felt hot breath against my ear and Calf man was whispering in my ear!
“A much lighter choice!”
I love him!
I ordered my skim latte and heard calf man order a banana and skim latte....
I took my drink and swam to the surface to play with my dolphin friends.
I called Jewel and told her of the episode.
“Wait,” she said surmising the scene. “He whispered in your ear and you walked away?”
“Ummm, yes.” I replied.
“What don’t I like about this story?” she asked.
“Not, sure” I said as I slurped my latte defiantly/ knowingly.
“After all that....you walk away?”
My body sigh’s in agreement “Ok!” I cried. “what was I supposed to do?”
“Not that...” she said with her weighty way of making an impact.
She was right....how could I correct it? I was already walking away from the scene, I had made a choice.
I spent the day in turmoil over Calf Man. I had missed my opportunity to meet my guy in the elevator as my hapless romantic always dreamed possible.
I got home that evening and decided to place a personal ad....
I tell you, this is like recreational drugs....you start and you are just playing and then you delve deeper and deeper into a land that you never thought your passport could take you to.
My only exposure “Desperately Seeking Susan” I assumed this was a land of the lost where only dinosaur’s cavorted.
WRONG!
New Yorker’s are dreamy and hopeful and the “Missed Connection’s” section on Craigslist is proof of this truth.
I was appeased and I felt a kinship in that so many other’s were searching for their mate in this format.
For example: “You are a super cute guy with blond hair and wearing a red tank top, standing (or sitting?) at the front door of New York Public Library's Science, Industry and Business Library (188 Madison Avenue, at 34 St). I was walking through the front door and about to enter the library, then you smiled (I don't know it's to me or to the person behind me...) anyway, your smile was melting me. I looked at you before going into the library. Hope to connect. ‘
Tons of these entries daily! I am not the only coward and I am not the only optimist!
Hooray! I posted my ad for calf man, it read something like this:
“STARBUCKS 86TH AND COLUMBUS”
You ordered a banana and a skim latte and we laughed about the choice’s made by the woman in front of us seeking a lo-cal breakfast.
Your calves are impeccable and I would like to know you better.
Needless to say (although I had some replies) I have not met my Calf Man.
What is quite incredible about this story is the response from my dolphin fleet of friends!
My friend’s were all over it! Calf Man is your guy. My best friend Zoe said “ Go to central park again and be there when he is running.” She is a smart one....and I agreed but the moment had passed and as I said before momentum is key in this wave catching, playing game we call love. I do hold a special place in my heart for Calf Man and he could be out there, in fact I am certain he is and I hope he is happy and optimistic about his role in life not just his calves.
Vera, I'm thinking you need to go back to the reservoir and look for Calf Man. But here's the thing...don't just stand around and wait for him - instead, do your own reservoir loop. if he's there, you'll see him eventually. If not, you'll surely fall into step with some other hottie from the knees down. And (and most importantly, in my view), think of how proudly you'll start wearing the mantle of "Calf Woman."
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