The Perfect Wave

Just like anything in excess optimism when blown out of proportion can lead one down a very unfortunate path toward a disappointing wizard behind a curtain. I reached my height of dating optimism in the Fall where my graph would certainly be off the charts in terms of enthusiasm and effort.

I met Jeremy during this time. We had been talking to each-other online sporadically since May. It only took us until late October to meet! Diving into the ocean, catching a wave, even wading out through rough surf is all about timing. You have to have an earnest respect for the ebb and flow of the ocean in order to make this passage gracefully. I felt the same way about dating. I believe dating is all about timing and I kept things light and I left most doors open in the event the surf was super rough and it was a day to stay on the beach where one suitor was concerned and yet another might be having the sweetest sojourn in his heart causing him to be aptly available and approachable... the equivalent of “The Perfect wave”.

It has not been my experience that straight guys in New York City “Sojourn” in their hearts very often...So, this is a random encounter that possibly happens as often as a surfer might expect to come upon his ultimate surfing condition after tireless days of waiting and watching and being brutalized by rough surf it is optimism that holds us all in stealthy pursuit of that emancipating moment when our efforts are rewarded.

To quote the movie ‘The Endless Summer’, a movie about surfing. “When you go looking for surf you don’t look for a really big wave if you found one you would never ride it in strange water’s it would be much too dangerous. What every surfer dreams of finding is a small wave with perfect shape. What we call a “Perfect Wave” the odds against finding that are ten million to one.”

Hmmmmm? My next question for the surfer’s would be, “once you find “The Perfect Wave” given the tides and the shift in weather patterns how long will the conditions for this wave actually exist “Perfectly”?

Jeremy and I met at 4PM on a Saturday for coffee...this did not have “Perfect Wave” written all over it exactly, but he was a native New Yorker who seemed cute, amiable, normal, and he had proposed the date which is always a good start! Especially when it was my wish to be “Chased”.

He looked nothing like his photo which is a common pitfall in online dating that mind you I had already managed to choreograph some optimistic fancy footwork in sidestepping disappointment and readying myself for this unveiling.

I had already been Online dating for 5 months!

I always looked instantly for the good.

This is part of my yoga training and it has served me well in this uniquely vulnerable strange first encounter when impressions are everything.

What I saw through my positive lens:

He was tall and his legs made up most of his body which I later pointed out to him much to his amazement and delight. “I have always felt as if my legs were longer than my arms and torso could accommodate and no one has ever noticed this about me but you!”

(Point’s for the yoga teacher who finds bodies fascinating and worthy of in-depth examination from a loving place.)

He had dimples when he smiled. He had a confident walk. His clothes were clean. He ordered and paid for our coffee’s. He was verbal and expressive when he spoke and incredibly honest and open. He told me right off the bat that his father had passed away in the past year and he was still grieving the loss.

I wish I could give you Jeremy’s list of what he liked but alas this is my Blog and that would be another story altogether.

We sat in the park and had our caffeinated beverages and we talked and laughed until dusk came around. He suggested we go to a bar and have a drink.

I had dinner plans but there was still time so I acquiesced.

I liked him on many levels. As it turned out he and I had gone to Elementary school together and even though he was two years older than me we actually were in the same class when I was 5 years old....

It was really refreshing to be on a date with someone who shared the city in common with me in the same way. As a Native New Yorker you are a rare breed of being cohabiting with many who consider themselves New Yorker’s but really don’t understand the concept of New York City as a birth place.

He was comfortable to be with and he was affectionate. Lightly brushing my hand, touching my knee, and later in the bar he kissed me. Sweetly at first and then what was sweet and exploratory turned passionate and HOT!

This had all the making’s of a great first date and a possible perfect wave scenario. He walked me to the train and told me he wanted to see me again.

I sat on the uptown R train and did my best to keep things in check.

One can only imagine how the surfer who scopes out the beach that offer’s promise and possibility came up with words like “Awesome” and “Stoked” to describe the delirious delight of uncovering a gateway to passion. These words have of course been downplayed by our societal portrayal of surfers as superficial. Yes, indeed they surf! They skim the ocean’s surface with technique and athletic endurance. But their heart’s are deeply tied to what may seem like a superficial sport and they eat, dream, work and play with the waves in their veins. Dating is the same for me.

To an outsider it may seem I am skimming the surface, lightly brushing the atmosphere of my heart with the greased outer body of my board and my tactile choices of which wave to chose and when to wait...my dedication to timing.

This was a Saturday when Jeremy and I met. The next day, Sunday he called and invited me to dinner. I know there are women out there dating who are doing it from a very different standpoint...the analogy would be less like surfing or diving into waves and more like a 9 month birthing process with a great deal of waiting and infusing everything with the unknown...

I say this because I know “The Rules” and presumably according to this “birthing process” set of standards I should not have been free for dinner.

Where I come from when a wave is calling you and it is a good one?

There is no possible way on God’s green earth I am going to turn my back on it!

The only rules I know are timing and nature and Jeremy was in the flow, he was calling me to go out. So I went. He called me Monday and I had to work so we met again on Tuesday....and so on and so forth!

We were getting to know each-other and it was amazing!

He loved fruit, pot, porn and math in precisely that order.

We shared music and we laughed at our old recollection’s of growing up in NY.

I helped him with his hamstrings and he earnestly “chased” me and he courted me in a very gentlemanly way. I found myself singing the “Doobie Brother’s” in the shower and glowing in yoga class to the extent that my student’s would ask “What’s happening? You look amazing!”

Here my analogy of “The Perfect Wave” falls short. According to “The Endless Summer” when riding the wave and it is an incredibly long ride the curl of the wave is 45 seconds long...mind you there is another amazing wave behind it!

However, I was looking to spend a lifetime with one particular wave...or if not a lifetime at least the possibility of a lifetime....

Jeremy and I were having a great day at the beach together over the course of a month and a half we had covered a lot of territory and both of us were invested. I have to give myself props here and say I finally allowed myself to be courted. Instead of being the dominant one deciding when to get together and what to do and how to do it. I allowed him to initiate and yearn for our next encounter. That said, Jeremy always wanted to see me. Which had not been the case with so many unfortunately.

In New York it seems that people are indefinitely booked and unavailable.

I could be this way too but that is NOT ocean behavior and it is not a recognizable sign to me of someone who is really seeking “The Perfect Wave”.

The boys in the movie “Endless Summer” traveled halfway around the world to Cape St. Francis, South Africa to find their wave. You make exception’s and you make considerable compromises when seeking your heart’s desire’s.

The heart is appeased by these action’s and your heart grows immeasurably every step you take in this direction.

That said, back to Jeremy and I up late one night in his kitchen making a snack.

He told me he was going to Florida to spend a week there cleaning out his father’s condo. He expressed sadness and remorse that he was going alone and that he had no family there or friend’s to connect with while going through his father’s belonging’s.

I was empathetic and supportive and I listened.

That was when he turned to me while making grilled cheese sandwiches and asked me to go with him. He offered to pay for my flight’s.
I know how to breathe and I know how to look at cold water or fearsome water and wait. I know that the power in breathing and waiting is actually the elixir that will eventually assist me in making the dive.

I took my breath and I genuinely offered to sleep on it.

Internally my immediate response was “Hell’s no!”

I saw a wave with trouble written all over it and I did not feel ready, I did not think we were ready, I was certain the condition’s for this journey were not in our favor...but a lot can happen overnight and tide’s can change.

Enter Excessive Optimism here....

When dealing with matter’s of the heart things vary on such a more subtle layer than that of the ocean. Our heart’s have been wounded by the loss of a parent or the loss of a loved one or simply the patterns of our lives executing the same blocked choices we have always made because we can’t find our way out of the groove. In this way our heart’s drown in mismanagement. Whereas with the ocean it is very cut and dry. You can feel the undertow, you can see a rip-tide, you can base all of your decisions on intuition and the ocean salute’s you with constancy and assurance.

Human Being’s are so much more complex and instead of one human being dancing with the ocean this is two human being’s colliding with each-other.

I did not wake up with an answer for Jeremy and he did not press for one.

I went off and taught my yoga class the next day and this is one of the few hazards associated with my particular craft.

In my world of yoga I have always been taught...if the student takes a step towards you, you the teacher take two steps towards the student.

This is beautiful alchemy that works so harmoniously in the world of yoga.

It is not the same in the school of dating and as most things in life I learned it the hard way.

I left my class with a solid “Yes” for Jeremy. I decided despite my intuition (yikes!) this was a relationship I was dedicated to investing in and he was taking a step toward me...I had no desire to retreat. I called him and told him I would join him in Florida.

He took 24 hours to call me back. This was unusual behavior for “The Perfect Wave”.

When he finally called me back he literally said “Thank you so much for the offer but I think this is something I need to do on my own.”

My inner surfer screamed “No fucking DUH!”

He proceeded to disappear from my horizon and I watched with amazement and awe the only way you can observe nature in it’s retreat.

I can only imagine the plane ride home from South Africa for my boy’s in “The Endless Summer” after finding their perfect wave.

The view of the water from the tiny window, the ambiguous air being pumped into their lungs absent of salt and extra oxygen, the impending reality of home and the high and adventure behind them....

It took me some time to come down from my “Perfect Wave” experience free of doubt and hesitation. Looking back as I write this entry I feel so blessed to have crested, to have synched up with another, to have journeyed deep into the curl of my heart’s fascination and maintained an average of time spent blissfully enrapt in the wave’s thick walls. I have no regret and I cannot even say I would have done it differently at that stage in my journey.

For that would betray the truth of my heart’s process and my heart is learning and growing and deepening. In the same way surfing and dating aren’t entirely evenly matched as anaolgies. My dating Jeremy taught me the significance of status. The world I live in as a yoga teacher and the philosophy I live by which is deeply embedded in my heart just as a vitamin embibed over years shows up in your bloodstream as a housemate.

It is in my nature to “look for the good”, “To take two steps forward when someone else takes one”, “To seek the highest in everyone and everything”.

That said, there is discernement to dating and most people are not coming from this place in their hearts (at least not right away).

It is essential in the way we protect ourselves from the sun, from the ocean, from bears in the wilderness that I find a way to fit in that serves to protect my ardent heart from fatigue. Jeremy and my sweet perfect wave taught me how to pace myself with more accurate dating moral’s.

What a sweet blessed curl that brought me deeper into the wisdom that saturates my being with trust in my intuition and a love that can be satiated and felt in my inner heart.