ONLINE...TOO MUCH WINE!

If last summer was the height of my impulsive, “70”’s, face-licking, free spirit and fall was the height of my optimistic, soul searching, believer in all thing’s romance related;

Winter began my phase of ambivalence with dating, romance and all things connected to online pursuit of love.

In hindsight this seems like a natural rhythm anyone might have with a passion they are pursuing. We start out with a certain beginner’s luck so to speak. Our complete and total naiveté makes us open and wide-eyed this is a very magnetic influence and I must say a majority of my dates took place during this period.

Then as we learn the ropes and experience makes us wise we create intention around our action’s and our taste bud's tingle with the thrill of knowing and knowing more!

It is only fair to expect that at every point in a stage wave’s peak and this is exhilarating to say the least and waves also have low’s this can be a time for insight and reflection or sometimes a cause for paralysis based on the lack of momentum and the shift in energy.

I had reached a point of entitlement and boredom by January. I made it through the holiday’s as a single girl dating and seeing men. I had managed to have a great time and avoid the “holiday woes” most singles succumb to. I threw a holiday party and I honored the ties of my friendship’s. I was incredibly pleased with myself entering the New Year.....

Little did I know around the corner lurked a devilish little elf of emotion waiting to embody me.

When the holiday’s passed and I was spinning in the delight that I had not actually been undone by them I failed to notice the transformation in my attitude around dating.

I felt entitled...and I was bored....and I was tired.

Let me break these bad boy’s down a bit.

As a native New Yorker I understand entitlement and the traps that come with it well.

Similar to some of the religious practice’s out there entitlement is based upon suffering.

I know many native’s of New York who feel that a golden key should be placed in their palms with any apartment of their choice in Manhattan at their disposal simply because we grew up here in this ridiculous city where our High School’s had security guards and our playgrounds had abandoned drug paraphernalia.

We may feel this way but the truth is we know at our core that in some way this was our path and it has made us who we are today.

This does not change the ugly truth that when we feel entitled to something we are the farthest from achieving it because the feeling that you deserve an outcome acts as a block to your heart, it becomes the obstacle.

This winter I had assessed my efforts at dating and I believed that I was done....

The universe owed me my man simple as that!

Another word for entitlement is “Black Hole” nothing happens in this phase I have learned.

Hence, bored as my second predicament this winter. My mother always said and this may seem cruel but it was so true, “When you are bored, you are boring.”

If I am wallowing in the belief I deserve my relationship dropped in my lap because I have spent an allotted amount of time committed to it and the process is taking longer than I thought and this is all I have to offer a given situation?

Boring! I tend to agree with my sometimes too truthful mother on this.

All of this leads one to the state of TIRED...

Two sometimes four dates a week, plus my job, and my regular practice left me little room to play with my friends and do the things I love on my off time because on my off time I was getting dressed up, meeting strangers, e-mailing...

My friend Gary said to me “I have never heard of a fairy-tale where the princess meets her prince because she is tired.”

UGH!

In Yoga we talk about Attitude being everything and it is! On occasion I will have a student leave class in the middle or come into class late and I don’t take it personally. This person is in their process and who knows what is going on in their head, in their heart, I can’t comprehend to take that on and the fact that they made it to class or had the self-love to walk away...it’s not my job to decipher this material.

Just because we are in a negative space does not necessarily mean we aren’t listening and more importantly shifting from this vortex of darkness to a place that invites light.

Last winter my attitude about dating was one of entitlement, boredom and fatigue....

Every-time I went online I saw the same faces, I reached the same conclusion’s, I met with the same obstacles. So, like any intelligent human does in a time of darkness I started drinking and going online as my practice...

Wine does alot to alter attitude! That said, wine is not helpful when it comes to discernment and truth...I stopped reading profiles and I stopped looking.

I replied only to those that would write me and I did very little to assess the candidate.

My basic requirement was: is he cute and is he under 40....

Under 40 is good but cute to a woman drinking wine online?

Negotiable....

Still, I do believe despite my poor attitude and my inebriated tactic’s I still managed to navigate my path towards love.

Vimarsha is a sanskrit word meaning reflection and it is of the highest kind. Intimacy is the purest practice of Vimarsha because we see in each-other ourselves.

At times this is emancipating and liberating and at time’s as with all things High and low as I discussed in the beginning we see in this reflection that which we do not wish to ever see! As yogi’s we know this to be a mirror that has brought up painful territory and has very little to do with the one reflecting.

During this period of dating I had my most painful reflection and it shifted me gratefully to where I am now.

Henry wrote me and expressed his interest in me during my winter of dating malaise.

I perused his profile (wordy and lengthy unlike most) which means I looked at his picture cute and more than one and he smiled in one, I surmised his age 35, and I made certain he was employed and lived close to NYC.

Done! I wrote him back...he instantly asked me for a drink and this raised my suspicion.

Dating in NYC is a game of timing and investment it is rare to meet under these circumstances. So I looked closer without my wine induced haze at his lengthy profile.

I did this after agreeing to meet him for a drink.

He met my requirement’s during the day! He was funny, smart, verbal, and sensitive.

He told stories and one of his many interest’s was writing! As I came to the bottom of his profile I found my reflection waiting like a surprise messenger in the wings “Exit pursued by bear” always a possibility with Shakespeare and boy did that man have a brilliant grip on life.

At the end of his profile Henry boldly announces his tragedy. He is missing a leg. He does this with a vulnerability and an amazing inner source of confidence in his writing style. It is my wish to honor him and not quote his profile but it was incredible his bravery and skill to put it out there on a dating site where most people confuse boldness with sexual prowess and skill.

I was blinded and disarmed by this discovery. I couldn’t fathom it and I had very little self- awareness at the time to process it.

I wanted out! I called my friend Mindy and told her the deal. She is a tried and true native of New York. We grew up together and now she lives in SanFransisico and after many years of her own “Dating” journey she is now married and incredibly fulfilled.

She is one of my many “Dolphin Friend’s” who would like to see me happily mated and does everything she can to positively skate me through this period.

“I agreed to meet him for a drink and now I just found out he is missing a leg!”

Mindy is an Iron-man champion and she has been around athlete's of all shapes and sizes including those that partake in these events with handicap’s.

I must say I have very little exposure in this forum and it shows in my complete lack of composure and grace.

After hearing me out Mindy says “Look, this is the least of your worries you have to meet him! There are fetish’s out there for amputee’s! Some people would kill to be in your shoes. In fact there are magazine’s all about people missing limb’s more popular than “Playboy”. My friend Rachel has a fantasy about a guy who is missing a leg. It’s sexy!” Here she sold me “I would much rather date a guy with one leg, than a smoker.”

That made sense to me....I kept the date and I braced myself because really all my fear and hesitancy was a “Vimarsha”. A reflection back to me of my own personal handicap’s and limitation’s.

I picked the bar on the lower east side and I was there first, early. Instantly I recognized my mistake. The place was crowded and full and there wasn’t a seat in the house. I was nervous! My protective instincts were on high gear and I knew this place was wrong. This throttled me awake from my dazed winter slumber.

When a person is ambivalent they lack emotional connection and care....there is very little at stake and very little meaning.

Henry’s predicament had me on high alert and I wanted to protect him as most women have a natural instinct to do.

I waited for him on the street. I expected he would have a prosthetic leg and possibly a cane? He had no leg and two crutches....my heart went out to him and yet I wanted to behave “normally”....what? Nothing about this was “normal”.

I told him the bar was full and we should go across the street. We found two seats at the bar across the street and proceeded to have a pleasant “normal” conversation between two people who have just met...

When sitting it was easy to feel we were on mutual ground. I used to have a boyfriend who was 6’3” and I am 5’4” mind you. Whenever were out walking, dancing, meeting for a kiss it felt like alien’s attempting to interact. We soon loved our time together sitting or laying down because our entire reflection of each-other was even.

Henry and I had the same level of interaction here on our date. Two people sitting at the bar! Then he told me his story...it was inevitable.

He lost his leg in college while rushing a fraternity. He was on a scavenger hunt in the building’s of his University and one of the classroom’s was undergoing construction. A giant piece of Plywood fell on him across his lap...he waited 13 hours for someone to find him. Not your average first date conversation but...amazing and engaging and real.

His ability to share, my ability to listen and be empathetic this made for an intense first date exposure. Most first dates are laden with a certain superficial dance of hidden agenda and flirtation. This one was raw, exposed and steeped in confrontation which was exactly what I needed at the time.

I saw him and I saw me being seen by him and seeing myself seeing him....

Vimarsha!

Henry lost his leg in College when he was 19 years old and his life was full of promise and possibility. When we met he was 35 years old and spent almost the same amount of time on this earth without a leg full of promise and possibility from a new perspective.

His ability to go online and to share his story his amazing bravery inspired me and it drew me out of my own personal comfort zone.

I told him the story of my own handicap. I lost my best friend when I was seven. For me this was not equivalent to losing a leg...I can’t comprehend that loss.

What I can comprehend is the life that has changed as a result of this traumatic event and the way a spirit, a soul, a human being is shaped with this painful loss in our bloodstream, in our heart-stream, in our every endeavor.

This date brought to surface a great deal of sadness for me. I went home and cried.

I tried to establish who I was crying for, but it was unclear.

I was crying for Henry, I was crying for myself, I was crying for my lost best friend who like a limb was taken from me and I always feel the painful ache even when no one can see it.

The people we meet have a past and our lives are full of gain and abundance but equally so full of loss and departure. It may not be as visible as a missing limb but truth be told we are all in a state of longing for something, someone, at this stage in our lives we have experienced loss to some degree and this takes it’s toll on us.

Some of us reply by burying this loss and navigating life as a tool to avoid this innate scar on our psyche. Some of us choose to look, to live, to share and carry this loss as one of the many experience's life has offered. In Henry’s case his loss is evident to all and he has grown accustomed to explaining it, to living with it, to making his mark on this earth in the best way he knows how.

We never met again after this date and we never spoke again either.

I think it was a mutual agreement that we needed to meet for our single purpose’s but that our togetherness was not in the cards.

I am so full of gratitude for our meeting because I learned my heart is compassionate even when I am down and I bear a loss from my past that I must honor and recognize when I am safe and comfortable enough to share.

It was a sobering encounter that brought me closer to my own Vimarsha and helped me to distinguish how and when I wished to share this reflection with other’s.

I am so grateful to have the choice....

CRUISE SHIPS AND DOLPHINS CAN WE MATE?

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

-Gothe

A quote I have earnestly trusted and favored from the moment I heard it. Something I struggle with whilst dating is this gray area, this unfamiliar terrain that is suggestive of so many possibilities. Are we both looking for the same thing? Some people are just looking to get laid, some for attention, some for temporary companionship and all of this should be made clear by the little heading under “What am I seeking? long term dating, short term dating, (my personal favorite!) activity partners. How do you know the person you are about to meet with is ready for the same valued level of companionship as you?

I remember with my so called “Soul-mate” we reached a point of hesitation....his in this case. It was about three months into the relationship and he was drawing back and full of uncertainty. As we were navigating this time through discussion he expressed his process of committing to our relationship.

He said he was like a great big cruise ship trying to navigate a very sharp turn and that he had to move slowly and take a wide turn in order to make the journey. This made so much sense to me at the time! Of course! Because I see the good in things I recognized he was indeed planning on making the turn in the first place and that appeared to me promising and full of possibility. I was willing to wait him out. I think a lot of us are. The question is why does it have to be so slow, so cautious, so tiresome? As my dolphin waited him out playing in the waves having already immersed my heart in the treasure of our togetherness she grew distracted and distant. In the beginning when I am into someone...I am always game that is my Dolphin instinct and it never occurs to me to draw back. When I am confronted with a slow cruise ship taking a slow turn with hesitancy and distance I immediately retract. I would imagine a Dolphin might do the same in the freaking ocean! Do you know where you are going buddy? Do you even see me? Do you plan on running me over with the weight of your clumsy birth?

As it turned out my “Soul Mate” cruise ship smashed onto rocks anyhow and sunk heavily like the omniscient ship it was and I watched it all happen.

So, this brings me to dating and the dilemma of how to be true to my essence and honor theirs? From what I have witnessed and heard this cruise ship analogy isn’t all that unique to just one man....many of them have an adverse response to commitment and the turn is slow and wide and full of analytical weather charts as to how to chart the course, is there a better route? should we abort mission altogether? Head to Majorca instead? She’s sexy!

Last summer I came upon Steve Harvey’s book on dating “How to act like a woman, Think like a man”.

In it he uses a fishing analogy that some women are keepers and some are just sport fish you plan on throwing back....he say’s that we the women decide this role by being either too available right off the bat or willing to hold out otherwise.

I hated this analogy it supported everything I despise about the male/female dating interaction. Where we withhold sex for up to 60 days, always let him pay, and never boldly step towards him.

I left the book under Senator John Kerry’s butt on a ferry returning home from Nantucket. I hoped to all my higher power’s he was wrong. (Steve not John).

The truth is, I don’t know. I have come to a place in my dating regime where I find it essential to be honest and yet this is not well received out there in the male world. It appears to me that Steve might be a bit right and this feels like a massive misalignment.

I don’t want to play the game in this way. It feels inauthentic and like I am wearing a tight pair of jeans for far to long. When I have a new student come take an open class and after class on occasion they have this shell shocked look like “This is not for me!” I always take them aside and I urge them...”Take three classes before you make any decisions, leave it open.”

How does this work in dating? I have tried but it always comes up one way or another. Because in yoga it is one person coming to class. With our dates we have to coordinate, be available, have the same criteria in mind. Three dates are actually pretty hard to come by! Sadly so...

I am not interested in sizing a man up like a potential cruise ship. What are his credentials', how much money does he make, how long has he been out there dating? This has never been my motive.

I remember one of my first dates last summer with a very handsome Indian/Italian man who looked ten times better in person than his photo.

He made reservation’s at his favorite (usual) place. The owner of the restaurant loved him and treated me like a queen. He proceeded to order a bottle of wine and his method of seduction? Commitment.

I smelled it a mile away the way I can smell Paco Rabanne in an empty elevator.

We were talking about India and the fact that I teach yoga. He was incensed I had never been to India. (I am used to this) I explained, my teacher is from Texas he has studied in India and I will go one day when I have a personal invite or a connection or a reason to go...in the meantime I am content with my Teacher’s stories, my peer’s stories, my reading material’s....I am closely connected with the culture despite my traveled presence there.

He leaned in close “I will take you to India!”

Janis Joplin has a great interview on tape with Dick Cabott. He ask’s her about her song “Piece of my Heart”.

She say’s “Well, it’s about this mule that stands out there all day long”

Dick asks “Who is the mule? The man?”

Janis replies, “Well, the mule is the woman you see and they stick this carrot out in front of the mule all day long and the man is the carrot always holding up something he is not prepared to give!”

That was my first carrot on this date. I smiled and did my best to be gracious.

Then he asked me about my love of cooking and asked if I enjoyed Indian food.

I told him truthfully that I had not discovered an Indian restaurant in New York that prepared Indian food the way I enjoyed it. “Oh!” he replied “You must let me cook for you!”

At this moment I saw visually he was holding out diamonds and pearls like a Marilyn Monroe movie and I could reach for them my bosom fleshy and free or lay low like a frigid librarian.

He wanted to get me to go to his Hotel that night....not India.

That was exactly one year ago. I suppose since then I have gotten wily in my ways. I was aware of the game then and now I can smell the cruise ship exhaust from an e-mail. I suppose you could call me jaded and limited but I prefer to think of it as an expansion of self.

I am clear and I rejoice in my clarity! I have refined my outlook on love and yes this limits me but the boundaries are there to protect me from wasted energy and heat. This way I can stay true to my Dolphin essence. I desire to play in the waves of love I am ready to dive, to frolic, to live freely. There is no way in Hell I plan to be anchored to the weight of a cruise ship full of hesitancy and uncertainty....I will wait out my Dolphin man.

He must be out there they can’t all be cruise ships?

THE ONE NIGHT STAND

When I was 4 years old walking the streets of Soho with my mother we came upon a large red labrador retriever waiting for it’s companion outside the store.

The dog instantly opened it’s mouth and licked the side of my face.

Giant scratchy, slurpy dog droll and all...I did the appropriate thing I licked the side of the dog’s face right back!

When it comes to intimacy I have always had the impulse to get closer. Whatever it is! I stick my nose in the flower to smell more sweetness. To partake in relationship deeply is one of my definition’s of intimacy and this is certainly my life’s purpose, always has been just not sure I always recognized it as such.

There has always been an impulsiveness in my dealings with this force inside myself and sometimes it is based on instinct and I follow the right choices and sometimes it is simply my force of nature barreling down doors to closeness that are better left shut.

Some of these entries expose my vulnerability on navigating more wisdom around my interaction’s with intimacy and in the process of doing that I have made poor choices, I have made wise choices, I have made wise choices that have led to poor outcomes and I have made stupid decisions that have brought me boon’s. I can’t say there is a particular right and wrong in the way I view my action’s except to say that as long I am genuine and authentic in being myself and living out my life’s purpose, I am on the right path.

Last summer was a summer of keeping things light for me. I have always felt a strong sense of responsibility and yet I have an inner 4 year old that longs to get out there and lick many faces!

Fortunately, I have only one licked face to tell you about.

It was Gay Pride weekend and the city is always bustling with ripe sexuality, gregariousness, and a thirst for adventure.

My friend Rocky and I were out on the town bar-hopping which always makes for an interesting night. She and I go back to Junior High together so our inner teenagers are always engaged when we are in each-other's company.

She is a sexy, gorgeous blonde with a great laugh and men tend to organize themselves around her. I am a cute, funny, sexy brunette....you know the drill.

I really don’t mind because bar-hopping has never been my ideal social outlet for unleashing high hopes for love it is mere entertainment that I partake in kind of like karaoke...you do it every so often and it stay’s funny...too often and it is a bit disconcerting.

I am at that point in the night where the alcohol and the interaction’s have produced my outer bubble. My outer bubble is a protective energetic shield that keeps people from interfering with me...in other words I should go home.

Yet, Rocky is holding court over the pool table with a couple admirers and I believe very firmly in the buddy system so I am content to sit on the couch, watch and observe.

This is when he decides to sit beside me and make small talk.

He is ridiculously handsome and I am immediately certain he is gay.

I will preface and say I am not the best with this...my “gay-dar” has been off in the past and I am not considered a likely oracle in my circle when it comes to deciphering a man’s sexual preference.

He is good company. He is funny and inquisitive and his eyes are mediterranean and sparkle with gold flecks of light.

I am also a little over intoxicated and the bubble is still holding my space.

Not even sure why he chose to talk to me at this stage in the evening seeing how he is gay but I make the most of a pleasant conversation keeping my eyes on Rocky, making sure she is ok. She is a fiery Italian and after drinking she has been known to cause a stir but this is also my responsibility factor holding court in my loyal heart. My friends are my life and I will protect them.

Back to my gay guy who is professing his attraction to me...Wait I say “Nuh, anh....you are gay Monsieur and mistaken! Its pride weekend! Get out there and party!”

I know this sounds lewd, obscure, and many things....but it made perfect sense to me at the time to say this to him. That is my only defense.

Surprisingly! He was unscathed by my ridiculous out of line statement. He took it as a challenge. “I will show you how gay I am” and he kissed me.

I kissed him back....Not so gay.

We kissed some more....hmmmm, no definitely not gay.

The bar is closing and I receive an invite from my now not so gay admirer to accompany him to Brooklyn.

The dog licker in me erased my bubble of protection and accepted the invitation.

I was attracted, fascinated, and when I am wrong I am always provoked to deep curiosity to seek, to know, to get closer to that which I don’t know anything about.

We put Rocky in a cab home while she screamed threats in Italian at my suitor....she has her own protective instincts.

We got in a cab and went to his house in Williamsburg. A gorgeous place! We sat on his roof and watched the sun come up over Brooklyn.

We retired to his dark, air conditioned cave and crashed.

When I awoke I took in my surroundings. The room was dark and very cave-like hard to establish time of day darkness. I went to the bathroom and got some water he had a brita with cold lemon water...I loved this!

I went back to his room and he was stirring we kissed and while we were embracing I realized quite horribly that I did not know his name....

How had I managed to get through High School, College, my twenties, most of my thirties and here I was at 37 a perfect cliche.

Shame and embarrassment brought on my defensive shield.

“Hey, good morning!” I said after we stopped kissing.

“Morning, gorgeous” he said.

“Do you know my name?” I asked.

Another great moment for me.

“Ummmm” he said. “I guess I don’t.”

I moved away from him defensively.

Mind you the guy just woke up and here is where he amazed me.

“What’s your name?” He asked.

“PU-leeze!” I spat in defense “I don’t think so!”

“Oh, come on don’t be hurt! It was that kind of a night. Tell me your name?”

Tight lipped I refused and shut down physically because I was so internally embarrassed for myself I didn’t know his name and that mattered to me. He was fine and had no clue about my inner turmoil he had no cares as to whether I knew his name or not.

“Ok” he said. “I may not know your name but....” he grabbed my hand and held it. “If I can tell you ten things about you that I know, will you tell me your name?”

Tight lips pursed defiantly, I said “Twenty and you have a deal.”

Mind you...I don’t know his name!

“Ok...twenty, piece of cake” he said with confidence and ease.

I get into a mode of protection and defiance every once in a blue moon when and most often it is internally based. I have done something or said something or eaten something that just was not in my character and I can’t make peace with it. So the waves of my persona begin crashing upon the rocks in order to soothe my inner conscious. He was my calm sea though! He was unpreterrbed and deliberate....it rather annoyed me and I had no faith he would pass the test.

One: You live in Soho

Two: Your mom is a tap dancer

Three: You teach yoga

Four: You wanted a tattoo when you were twenty but your sister discouraged you because it was a tramp stamp and a cobra and you had no idea of the consequences living with that on your back so you didn’t get it.

Five: You sing

Six: You dance

Seven: You love to cook

Eight: Your friend is a possessive Italian who you have known since the age of 12

Nine: You have been to Hawaii

Ten: You love cheese

Eleven: You have a sister and a stepbrother

Twelve: You grew up in NYC

Thirteen: Your best friend is getting married in October and you can’t wait.

Fourteen: You are a good kisser

Fifteen: You like old rap music

Sixteen: You tell people you speak Italian but really you don’t

Seventeen: You are buying a house on cape cod

Eighteen: You lost your best friend

Nineteen: You dig my apartment

Twenty: You are glad you met me.

I was undone....I had no defense, I was blown away. It was one of my sweetest dearest dating moments of the year.

Here I was obsessing on whether I knew his name, whether he knew mine and he smoked that significance out with a bonfire of good intention.

Yet, I had no comeback. I wasn’t really paying attention. I was consumed with my daring choice of action that was outside my normal limit and it was not my comfort zone.

Clearly it was his! And this is my point that when we are being authentic and to the point we engage in a way that exudes our gifts and our purpose.

I was out of my range. I was in Brooklyn! I didn’t know his name and I was reeling in my own angst about breaking out of my comfort zone and having my first ever cliche one night stand.

This did not sit well with me....but his energy and his ability to recite twenty things to me about myself whilst I sat there and listened.

This broke down a layer from my past.

In yoga we talk about patterns and how when you break an old pattern a part of you will most likely pulsate, shake, vibrate and this is your bodies way of shifting physically.

After my night of debauchery, after my choice to go home with him, after his list of twenty, my inner core was shaken and I needed time to process.

He made me breakfast and we spent some more time together.

But my inner core was shaken and couldn’t wait to get out.

I hit the rode and got the heck out of dodge.

He was the one who taught me more about intimacy in a year of dating online than anyone.

Intimacy is paying attention and listening and being in your skin.

When our choices are so out of character that our ego’s are alert and unleashed to the extent of excruciating numbness or self centeredness we are the farthest from intimacy we can ever hope for. We are like a Shakespearean Tragedy filled with revenge and paranoia unable to hear our closest sage’s speak words of wisdom.

I made a pact to stay close to my heart’s gift which is a deep desire to know to seek to learn to admire and when I am not listening or able to listen I remove myself from the picture as one would take a deep breath and pause and wait....

If I cannot recite twenty things about someone I have kissed and known physically/ intimately something is deeply off with my connection to my inner being.

What’s in a name? David proved me wrong in that assumption. There is far more to be found in a list of twenty. Have you been paying attention? And to what? Are you allowing for intimacy based on your heart’s fiery curiosity for knowing? Or are you stuck in your ego’s need to take stock in the outcome, your attractiveness, your decision to invest time spent with this being?

When someone licks you out in the world you have every right to take stock in the moment and pause. You can ask question’s, listen, hesitate this is all part of intimacy. There is no requirement based on superficial interest that you lick a person back without investment.

If you do, I promise you uncertainty will show it’s ugly face regardless.

Better off doing it from the start. Twenty things is a good place to begin... not necessarily end.

DREAM DATE

I dreamt him. It wasn’t an online date or a set up or someone I met in a bar.

I gathered my abundantly blossoming Jasmine and put it by my bed while sleeping and let me tell you it served me a hundred times plus my membership dues for any of those dating sites!

He was lovely! We were on our second date and I was in his apartment which was sunny beyond the measure of light in NYC.

I was super flirtatious which means I was comfortable and attracted to him.

I was leaning on his couch which was old and had a high back bathed in sunlight.

I undid the top button on my blouse! A tight corset that (I do not own mind you! I am looking for it!)

I leaned in and kissed him sweetly. He was reserved and I was aware I kissed him first....he kissed me back more passionately.

Then he broke away first and he spoke... “It is such a crime that you are alone.”

I was incensed immediately “What do you mean? Your alone? Why is it a crime that I am alone? What’s the difference?”

He paused he took me in and paid attention to me on every level.

“It is my belief you are designed for relationship. Your entire being breathes and craves togetherness with another....we are not all like this.”

I put my head down on his couch after this and started to nap, In my dream I was aware of how unusual this permission was to just lay down my head and rest....He is so right and I get very tired fighting the fight....cause there aren’t so many out there craving togetherness.

The Perfect Wave

Just like anything in excess optimism when blown out of proportion can lead one down a very unfortunate path toward a disappointing wizard behind a curtain. I reached my height of dating optimism in the Fall where my graph would certainly be off the charts in terms of enthusiasm and effort.

I met Jeremy during this time. We had been talking to each-other online sporadically since May. It only took us until late October to meet! Diving into the ocean, catching a wave, even wading out through rough surf is all about timing. You have to have an earnest respect for the ebb and flow of the ocean in order to make this passage gracefully. I felt the same way about dating. I believe dating is all about timing and I kept things light and I left most doors open in the event the surf was super rough and it was a day to stay on the beach where one suitor was concerned and yet another might be having the sweetest sojourn in his heart causing him to be aptly available and approachable... the equivalent of “The Perfect wave”.

It has not been my experience that straight guys in New York City “Sojourn” in their hearts very often...So, this is a random encounter that possibly happens as often as a surfer might expect to come upon his ultimate surfing condition after tireless days of waiting and watching and being brutalized by rough surf it is optimism that holds us all in stealthy pursuit of that emancipating moment when our efforts are rewarded.

To quote the movie ‘The Endless Summer’, a movie about surfing. “When you go looking for surf you don’t look for a really big wave if you found one you would never ride it in strange water’s it would be much too dangerous. What every surfer dreams of finding is a small wave with perfect shape. What we call a “Perfect Wave” the odds against finding that are ten million to one.”

Hmmmmm? My next question for the surfer’s would be, “once you find “The Perfect Wave” given the tides and the shift in weather patterns how long will the conditions for this wave actually exist “Perfectly”?

Jeremy and I met at 4PM on a Saturday for coffee...this did not have “Perfect Wave” written all over it exactly, but he was a native New Yorker who seemed cute, amiable, normal, and he had proposed the date which is always a good start! Especially when it was my wish to be “Chased”.

He looked nothing like his photo which is a common pitfall in online dating that mind you I had already managed to choreograph some optimistic fancy footwork in sidestepping disappointment and readying myself for this unveiling.

I had already been Online dating for 5 months!

I always looked instantly for the good.

This is part of my yoga training and it has served me well in this uniquely vulnerable strange first encounter when impressions are everything.

What I saw through my positive lens:

He was tall and his legs made up most of his body which I later pointed out to him much to his amazement and delight. “I have always felt as if my legs were longer than my arms and torso could accommodate and no one has ever noticed this about me but you!”

(Point’s for the yoga teacher who finds bodies fascinating and worthy of in-depth examination from a loving place.)

He had dimples when he smiled. He had a confident walk. His clothes were clean. He ordered and paid for our coffee’s. He was verbal and expressive when he spoke and incredibly honest and open. He told me right off the bat that his father had passed away in the past year and he was still grieving the loss.

I wish I could give you Jeremy’s list of what he liked but alas this is my Blog and that would be another story altogether.

We sat in the park and had our caffeinated beverages and we talked and laughed until dusk came around. He suggested we go to a bar and have a drink.

I had dinner plans but there was still time so I acquiesced.

I liked him on many levels. As it turned out he and I had gone to Elementary school together and even though he was two years older than me we actually were in the same class when I was 5 years old....

It was really refreshing to be on a date with someone who shared the city in common with me in the same way. As a Native New Yorker you are a rare breed of being cohabiting with many who consider themselves New Yorker’s but really don’t understand the concept of New York City as a birth place.

He was comfortable to be with and he was affectionate. Lightly brushing my hand, touching my knee, and later in the bar he kissed me. Sweetly at first and then what was sweet and exploratory turned passionate and HOT!

This had all the making’s of a great first date and a possible perfect wave scenario. He walked me to the train and told me he wanted to see me again.

I sat on the uptown R train and did my best to keep things in check.

One can only imagine how the surfer who scopes out the beach that offer’s promise and possibility came up with words like “Awesome” and “Stoked” to describe the delirious delight of uncovering a gateway to passion. These words have of course been downplayed by our societal portrayal of surfers as superficial. Yes, indeed they surf! They skim the ocean’s surface with technique and athletic endurance. But their heart’s are deeply tied to what may seem like a superficial sport and they eat, dream, work and play with the waves in their veins. Dating is the same for me.

To an outsider it may seem I am skimming the surface, lightly brushing the atmosphere of my heart with the greased outer body of my board and my tactile choices of which wave to chose and when to wait...my dedication to timing.

This was a Saturday when Jeremy and I met. The next day, Sunday he called and invited me to dinner. I know there are women out there dating who are doing it from a very different standpoint...the analogy would be less like surfing or diving into waves and more like a 9 month birthing process with a great deal of waiting and infusing everything with the unknown...

I say this because I know “The Rules” and presumably according to this “birthing process” set of standards I should not have been free for dinner.

Where I come from when a wave is calling you and it is a good one?

There is no possible way on God’s green earth I am going to turn my back on it!

The only rules I know are timing and nature and Jeremy was in the flow, he was calling me to go out. So I went. He called me Monday and I had to work so we met again on Tuesday....and so on and so forth!

We were getting to know each-other and it was amazing!

He loved fruit, pot, porn and math in precisely that order.

We shared music and we laughed at our old recollection’s of growing up in NY.

I helped him with his hamstrings and he earnestly “chased” me and he courted me in a very gentlemanly way. I found myself singing the “Doobie Brother’s” in the shower and glowing in yoga class to the extent that my student’s would ask “What’s happening? You look amazing!”

Here my analogy of “The Perfect Wave” falls short. According to “The Endless Summer” when riding the wave and it is an incredibly long ride the curl of the wave is 45 seconds long...mind you there is another amazing wave behind it!

However, I was looking to spend a lifetime with one particular wave...or if not a lifetime at least the possibility of a lifetime....

Jeremy and I were having a great day at the beach together over the course of a month and a half we had covered a lot of territory and both of us were invested. I have to give myself props here and say I finally allowed myself to be courted. Instead of being the dominant one deciding when to get together and what to do and how to do it. I allowed him to initiate and yearn for our next encounter. That said, Jeremy always wanted to see me. Which had not been the case with so many unfortunately.

In New York it seems that people are indefinitely booked and unavailable.

I could be this way too but that is NOT ocean behavior and it is not a recognizable sign to me of someone who is really seeking “The Perfect Wave”.

The boys in the movie “Endless Summer” traveled halfway around the world to Cape St. Francis, South Africa to find their wave. You make exception’s and you make considerable compromises when seeking your heart’s desire’s.

The heart is appeased by these action’s and your heart grows immeasurably every step you take in this direction.

That said, back to Jeremy and I up late one night in his kitchen making a snack.

He told me he was going to Florida to spend a week there cleaning out his father’s condo. He expressed sadness and remorse that he was going alone and that he had no family there or friend’s to connect with while going through his father’s belonging’s.

I was empathetic and supportive and I listened.

That was when he turned to me while making grilled cheese sandwiches and asked me to go with him. He offered to pay for my flight’s.
I know how to breathe and I know how to look at cold water or fearsome water and wait. I know that the power in breathing and waiting is actually the elixir that will eventually assist me in making the dive.

I took my breath and I genuinely offered to sleep on it.

Internally my immediate response was “Hell’s no!”

I saw a wave with trouble written all over it and I did not feel ready, I did not think we were ready, I was certain the condition’s for this journey were not in our favor...but a lot can happen overnight and tide’s can change.

Enter Excessive Optimism here....

When dealing with matter’s of the heart things vary on such a more subtle layer than that of the ocean. Our heart’s have been wounded by the loss of a parent or the loss of a loved one or simply the patterns of our lives executing the same blocked choices we have always made because we can’t find our way out of the groove. In this way our heart’s drown in mismanagement. Whereas with the ocean it is very cut and dry. You can feel the undertow, you can see a rip-tide, you can base all of your decisions on intuition and the ocean salute’s you with constancy and assurance.

Human Being’s are so much more complex and instead of one human being dancing with the ocean this is two human being’s colliding with each-other.

I did not wake up with an answer for Jeremy and he did not press for one.

I went off and taught my yoga class the next day and this is one of the few hazards associated with my particular craft.

In my world of yoga I have always been taught...if the student takes a step towards you, you the teacher take two steps towards the student.

This is beautiful alchemy that works so harmoniously in the world of yoga.

It is not the same in the school of dating and as most things in life I learned it the hard way.

I left my class with a solid “Yes” for Jeremy. I decided despite my intuition (yikes!) this was a relationship I was dedicated to investing in and he was taking a step toward me...I had no desire to retreat. I called him and told him I would join him in Florida.

He took 24 hours to call me back. This was unusual behavior for “The Perfect Wave”.

When he finally called me back he literally said “Thank you so much for the offer but I think this is something I need to do on my own.”

My inner surfer screamed “No fucking DUH!”

He proceeded to disappear from my horizon and I watched with amazement and awe the only way you can observe nature in it’s retreat.

I can only imagine the plane ride home from South Africa for my boy’s in “The Endless Summer” after finding their perfect wave.

The view of the water from the tiny window, the ambiguous air being pumped into their lungs absent of salt and extra oxygen, the impending reality of home and the high and adventure behind them....

It took me some time to come down from my “Perfect Wave” experience free of doubt and hesitation. Looking back as I write this entry I feel so blessed to have crested, to have synched up with another, to have journeyed deep into the curl of my heart’s fascination and maintained an average of time spent blissfully enrapt in the wave’s thick walls. I have no regret and I cannot even say I would have done it differently at that stage in my journey.

For that would betray the truth of my heart’s process and my heart is learning and growing and deepening. In the same way surfing and dating aren’t entirely evenly matched as anaolgies. My dating Jeremy taught me the significance of status. The world I live in as a yoga teacher and the philosophy I live by which is deeply embedded in my heart just as a vitamin embibed over years shows up in your bloodstream as a housemate.

It is in my nature to “look for the good”, “To take two steps forward when someone else takes one”, “To seek the highest in everyone and everything”.

That said, there is discernement to dating and most people are not coming from this place in their hearts (at least not right away).

It is essential in the way we protect ourselves from the sun, from the ocean, from bears in the wilderness that I find a way to fit in that serves to protect my ardent heart from fatigue. Jeremy and my sweet perfect wave taught me how to pace myself with more accurate dating moral’s.

What a sweet blessed curl that brought me deeper into the wisdom that saturates my being with trust in my intuition and a love that can be satiated and felt in my inner heart.